Stay for the kids

There is a good argument out there about parents who have experienced infidelity. The argument centers around staying married for the kids’ sake. If that is the ONLY reason you’re staying, then you will be better off divorced. But, your kids may not fare so well.

Studies indicate that there are lifelong consequences for kids who experience their parents getting a divorce.

  • Children from divorced homes suffer academically. They experience high levels of behavioral problems. Their grades suffer, and they are less likely to graduate from high school.
  • Kids whose parents divorce are substantially more likely to be incarcerated for committing a crime as a juvenile.
  • Because the custodial parent’s income drops substantially after a divorce, children in divorced homes are almost five times more likely to live in poverty than are children with married parents.
  • Teens from divorced homes are much more likely to engage in drug and alcohol use, as well as sexual intercourse than are those from intact families.
  • Children from divorced homes experience illness more frequently and recover from sickness more slowly.6 They are also more likely to suffer child abuse.
  • Children of divorced parents suffer more frequently from symptoms of psychological distress.
  • And the emotional scars of divorce last into adulthood.

So parents who are considering divorce are statistically likely to put their kiddos through these things. Some kids don’t experience these but the probability increases.

The Wallerstein study shows that the effects of divorce can last 25 years!  Yep. You read that correctly. (the linked article above has all of the references linked)

“Contrary to what we have long thought, the major impact of divorce does not occur during childhood or adolescence. Rather, it rises in adulthood as serious romantic relationships move center stage . . . Anxiety leads many [adult children of divorce] into making bad choices in relationships, giving up hastily when problems arise, or avoiding relationships altogether.”

Wallerstein adds that the problems are compounded by parents who go on to marry another spouse. Feelings of abandonment and confusion are added because of the parent’s desperate attempt to get their own needs met. The driving force for divorced parents is the loneliness that makes people kind of crazy.

The desperation for a single parent to find someone who will love and accept them causes them to almost forget about their first family.

“Children never get over divorce. It is a great loss that is in their lives forever. It is like a grief that is never over. All special events, such as holidays, plays, sports, graduations, marriages, births of children, etc., bring up the loss created by divorce as well as the family relationship conflicts that result from the ‘extended family’ celebrating any event.”

The article goes on to say that parents should take a LONG PAUSE before pursuing divorce. That’s what I am doing now. I am pausing. Though Allie is remorseful and apologetic, I am still triggered every day, every hour by thoughts. I am wrestling with the decision of staying or leaving after discovering her second affair.

 

Mark is a narcissist

Narcissists enter into relationships in an attempt to fill this void and to make sure that they have someone who is always available for sex, an ego stroke or whatever need they may have.

Read this article.  It sums up a narcissist and how Mark was able to convince my wife, Allie, to have an affair with him.  He literally swept her off her feet with adoration.

Once a target has been chosen, it’s almost like the Narcissist gets tunnel vision. They are hyper-vigilant in their pursuit and will project the perfect image that their victim wants them to be. They are excessively caring, loving and attentive at this stage. They shower their targets with attention, compliments and literally sweep them off their feet.

They place their target on a pedestal, idolize and worship them. Their target is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Here the Narcissist is ecstatic, full of hopes and dreams. They will talk and think about them constantly, they are euphoric. This is as close as a Narcissist will ever get to feeling love. This kind of idolization is what others would call infatuation.

The victim is likely so caught up in all the attention and is usually thinking at this point, that they have found their soul-mate. Their pursuer is exactly what they want in a partner (because the Narcissist is mirroring what they have learned appeals to their target)

Each time Allie has journaled about the affair in the process of our counseling, she has described Mark exactly as this article describes him. He showered her with attention, affection and made massive efforts towards her. She was his target. His victim.

Many targets are left asking themselves, “Did he ever love me? Did I mean anything to him?” The simple answer is no. No one means anything to him. Women are only a means to an end – to obtain the much needed Narcissistic Supply.

What must be remembered is that you were deliberately targeted, lied to and manipulated by a skilled con-artist, for their own gain.

Allie fell for this con completely. Hook, line and sinker. She was completely caught up in the rush of this man risking everything for her. That he would give up his family, his life, his all to be with my wife was so attractive to Allie (who may be a bit narcissistic herself if I am honest)

Already he has assessed his target, and he is now mirroring her, so he is reflecting back to her exactly what she wants to hear. But he wants control over her. He wouldn’t have her full attention or control, if she were busy doing other things.

What Mark didn’t expect was that his wife of 20 years would file for divorce. He kept telling Allie that Carrie would forgive him. That all he needed to do was confess it and apologize and their marriage would be fine.

This is mind control. The message that you receive is:

  • He is really keen on me
  • He is really like me, we have so many common interests
  • You have known him for far longer than you actually have

My wife believed that. My wife believed that he cared for her. My wife believed (and probably still does believe) the compliments that Mark used to get her clothes off.  Here is more about the narcissist.

At the idealization stage the narcissist is not only generous in extending a compliment, he’s also gracious about accepting yours. You are special and therefore he is flattered by your expressions of high regard for him. The wonderful give and take nourishes you both.

Here are the texts between me and Mark on March 20th, 2018. This was the day I found out about the affair.

Here, the texting begins when I ask “So should I tell your wife or should you?” You see, I know Mark, so we have texted a few times before the affair was discovered.

Mark replies, “Nobody is trying to destroy your life. Are you trying to destroy mine?” Wait a second. Did Mark just try to shift a blame on me somehow. Now I am trying to destroy his life? Mark was in an active affair with my wife and he’s “not trying to destroy [my] life?”  Really. Then, the blame of “are you trying to destroy mine?”

No Mark, you are destroying your own life with your choices.  I don’t have anything to do with that.

Here we see Mark’s desperate appeal to me.  “If you destroyed my life, will that really satisfy you? And Kelli’s too, that what you want? That going to make things better?”

Still fixated with his life being destroyed. Funny, he didn’t think about that the EXACT SAME FUCKING MORNING WHEN THE TWO OF THEM WERE TOGETHER. Sorry, where was I?

Now, the LDS Mark is gonna try to pull out my Christianity on me. “you have a woman taken in adultery. Are you gonna cast the first stone.”

Earth to egghead. You are in adultery too. You took my wife there.

“I am just asking you to spare Kelli some humiliation, and me. You are not guilt free either. I’m sure that if you start down this road, you should be prepared to have your whole situation exposed..”

This is one of my favorites. He wants to spare Kelli some humiliation (and him) of course.  Then he tells me that I am not guilt free. But last I checked, I wasn’t in the hotel or car with them while they were having sex. Then one more threat of “having your whole situation exposed”  I am not 100% certain of what that means, but I took it as a threat.

“Please take some time before you make a hasty decision.” he requests. You can see my reply.

Then some remorse.  It was fake, but it is an attempt by the narcissist to get out of the cage they’re caught in.

“Your marriage is worth saving. And it’s possible. You can make an already bad situation much worse”  While I am not sure how I can make a horrible situation worse, Mike’s desperation is bleeding through.

I love the marital advice he gives though. He should become a marriage counselor.

This is when I knocked on his door and met his second son. I asked his son if his mom Carrie was home. He said yes and went to get her. Carrie and I hung out on the front porch for a few minutes while I shared what I had just learned about 2.5 hours prior.

Carrie is divorcing Mark now. Guess he was right. His life is getting destroyed.  What he was wrong about is that I was the one destroying it. He himself destroyed his own life. I had little to do with it.

I think that Allie still believes that it meant something. That it was real, in a fantasy sort of way. That he had feelings for her. Because he said that. He said that he was “developing feelings” for her. Why did he say it? Because she was telling him that she loved him and he needed to mirror back to her to make sure he wouldn’t lose his narcissistic supply…his cash cow.

 

Why did she cheat?

You know, I have read countless articles, thought, pondered, tried to empathize, asked friends, asked Allie herself. And still the answer to “why” is an unknown. Oh, there are reasons:

  • She was unhappy in our marriage
  • She wasn’t getting her needs met (blaming me)
  • She has childhood issues (blaming mom & dad)
  • She was in a “triggered space” (whatever that means)
  • She was pursued by Mark
  • She never saw it coming
  • She didn’t pursue an affair

Whatever the reason from above, or from anywhere else, the reason “why” is still not good enough. Keep in mind she is claiming 100% responsibility for the affair.  She is saying it was completely and utterly her fault while she tries to convince me to stay.

I am saying that it is not good enough because there is a much more honorable way out if you have a “reason” to go that far. You can go to your spouse and say, “I would like to get out of our marriage.”

Nine words.

It is literally that simple. So the question still remains, “why did she cheat?”  I think that answer is also a bit simple. Because she doesn’t like being alone and because she wanted to.

Sure, she wasn’t really alone alone in our marriage. But this guy came along and told her she was the best thing since sliced bread.  He swept her off her feet with narcissistic love bombing. She took the bait.  Heck, I think she wanted the bait.

So what do I mean by she doesn’t want to be alone. Well, while she was in the affair, she basically had a good “plan B.”  This means that if the affair meant that it would end our marriage, then she still had Mark. I mean, it was clear that he loved her and she’d met her soul mate. (note the sarcasm)

Mark would certainly never leave her.  So, she could cheat, and it wouldn’t make her alone at all. She tested the waters with him by giving him everything, telling him that she loved him and seeing if he would respond in kind. All he really wanted was to have sex with her. He was just looking for what’s called narcissistic supply.

You see, I don’t buy into any argument that says that a person had no other choice but to cheat. A person has a million choices INCLUDING getting out of the marriage FIRST!

List of Reasons

Let’s go through the list of reasons to have an affair. I would challenge anyone to give me ONE reason that would justify cheating on a spouse.

  • My needs aren’t being met at home – My answer: Ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Find someone to meet your needs.
  • My spouse isn’t interested in sex any more – My answer: Ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Find someone who is interested in sex
  • My husband doesn’t listen to me – My answer: Ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Find someone to listen to you
  • My spouse doesn’t respect me – My answer: Ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Find someone who respects you.

You see, there isn’t a justification. Not one. If you’ve been unhappy for years, then that’s your own damn fault, not your spouse’s. What? You say!  Let’s say that you’ve been unhappy for 10 years. Then I say you’ve wasted nine. The first year, you owe it to your spouse to do everything you can to work it out WITHOUT CHEATING!  After that, ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Voila! You aren’t unhappy for nine more years.

You can leave a comment if you have the “perfect reason” justifying infidelity. I will answer you with the same thing “My answer: Ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Find someone to _________________”

 

Scared of rejection

Have you ever heard the phrase, “hurt people, hurt people”?

I think that it probably holds true for other types of emotional trauma as well.

  • Ignored people ignore people
  • Bullied people bully people
  • Molested people molest people
  • Rejected people reject people

Allie was rejected for her entire life. Her parents required the utmost from her scholastically. She earned strait A’s throughout high school, college and graduate school. She graduated college one year early, finishing in three rather than four years. She ran cross country and helped pay for her higher education through an athletic scholarship. Yet, it wasn’t enough for her mom and dad.

Mom would still embarrass her about her appearance, saying that she needed a haircut or brush. Her mom still does it today. Her dad would completely detach emotionally. He wouldn’t let her have emotions that he deemed negative. If she had a negative emotion, he would send her away to her room. When she returned, everyone would pretend that didn’t just happen.

Worse yet, her emotions would be spiritualized. Basically, if she was down, her parents would read the Bible into her to let her know why she was wrong for being down. Wrong for being sad. One story she has told me was about a friend of hers who was in a horrible car crash. Allie and her dad went to the hospital to pray over her and “heal” her. Her dad had her believing that after a severe head injury and the removal of life support, that her friend was going to get up and be completely healed. Long story short, her friend died. Allie probably saw that as God rejecting her.

Later in life, her dad had a marriage ending affair and then married his affair partner who is about 20 years his junior. She’s only about 11 years older than Allie. It’s not uncommon, but her dad took it several steps further. He not only left his wife of 42 years, but he abandoned all of us. He doesn’t speak to Allie, Allie’s brother, his son-or daughter-in-law or ANY OF HIS GRANDKIDS.   He has five and has only met three of them.  The last time any of us saw him was in 2012.

He still sees his own immediate family. Brothers, sister and mom.  But not his family, kids or grands. That rocked Allie. Complete and total rejection from her own father. Do any of us understand it? Nope.

So Allie has been rejected. And rejection has a special kind of sting and pain for her. So, my theory of Allie’s abandonment of me has evolved. I believe that I got a bit of a revelation this morning when thinking about this. Rejected people reject people. Why? I am not a mental health professional, but I can guess that it is a defense or protective mechanism.

Allie loves to gather up a posse for any event we have. She is so inclusive and internally she hopes that each event will create a lifetime of memories. Sadly, she often feels the sting of rejection when she coordinates and plans these outings. Her sister-in-law is especially guilty of giving Allie the cold shoulder and since she’s married to Allie’s brother, there is an effect on him as well.

So, as I process and contemplate my marriage with Allie, I am reminded just how painful rejection is for her. Allie is an approval addict. She loves attention, adoration, approval and affirmation. She sought those things from Mark, her affair partner when she perceived that she wasn’t getting it from me, her family, or her parents.

On the other hand, that was her perception and sometimes perceptions don’t have much to do with reality. Allie created a fantasy world in her brain where she was “alone in our marriage” and “felt dead inside.”  It’s my opinion – and I know her better than anyone in the world – that she was rejected by her dad with his new family and that filled her rejection cup completely. Then, all she could get from me was rejection. Even though I don’t actively or consciously reject her, she could only perceive rejection.

“I don’t want to think about it”

Whenever I mention something about the affair Allie and Mark had, she will often reply, “I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want my mind to go there.” For me, that would be a virtual impossibility. I can remember pretty vivid details about most sexual encounters I had with different women…whether I think about it or not. The details are there. They will always be there.

I don’t want to be a cheater

Yesterday I was having huge mental struggles with the idea of staying married to Allie. But I didn’t take it out on her and I am long past the argument stage. It simply isn’t worth my energy to fight with her. Instead, I will struggle and I might say something like, “today’s a hard day.”

At any rate, Allie wrote a note to our counselors, in part she said the following about me:

“Bob is still having a hard time today trusting that I won’t cheat on him in the future. I can tell you that I don’t want to cheat and I won’t cheat because I don’t want to be a cheater.”

Can anyone tell why the above statement bothers me so badly? Can you spot the fatal flaw in her thinking? Who can tell me exactly why I keep saying that I won’t know if I will stay with her?

Allie says, “I won’t cheat because I don’t want to be a cheater.” Do you see the difference in that statement and a statement like, “I won’t cheat because I love my husband”? Or, “I won’t cheat because my family means more to me than life itself”? Do you see the difference?

What she wrote to them PERFECTLY sums up why I feel that Allie is staying with me because of Allie, not because of me and not because of the kids. If given time to think, she will write that she loves family, wants to leave a legacy, and loves me, BUT when she’s in a hurry, the truth comes out. She wrote to them in a hurry.

Basically, she wants the counselors to give her a clean bill of heath. “Congratulations! You’re not a cheater any more!” She would love to hear them say that. That would be an accomplishment. Allie loves accomplishments. Do you notice that it is about her though?

She could then wear it like a badge of honor. The “I am not a cheater” badge is given to those who complete the special 6-week training course. In the course, you’ll learn:

  • How to not be a cheater
  • Ways to convince your family and friends that you’re not a cheater
  • Five easy one-liners to shut down those who would mention the infidelity (including your husband)
  • The “get over it” pin that you can proudly wear
  • Added bonus: You get the quick “I am not a cheater” reference guide with helpful chants you can repeat in your head.

You see Allie believes that her being a cheater can be erased rather than faced. Can you imagine if AA told their participants “Congratulations! You’re not an alcoholic now”?

Actually the opposite is true. When people go to AA meetings, they will start by saying “Hi, my name is _____________, and I am an alcoholic.”

I know a man who has been going to AA for nearly 40 years! To this day, he will say “I am an alcoholic” though he hasn’t touched a drink in four decades. Why does he keep admitting that? Because he knows that the problem he has will always be there, ready to come back at any time.

Saying you’re not a cheater doesn’t mean that you’re not. It is a phrase that is meaningless UNLESS you’ve never cheated before. Chanting it over and over will only harm yourself in the future.  You’ll chant it right into the arms of another man.

What will keep you faithful? What will keep you from being a cheater Allie?

  • Loving someone so deeply that you simply could never do it
  • Open and honest communication about the real struggle you have
  • Telling your spouse EVERYTHING, not just the stuff you believe won’t hurt him
  • Being open with your temptations and having true accountability

You see, it is not that you have to publicly wear the “I am a cheater” label. But you have to know that it is always there. You have to be aware of it at all times so that you can guard your heart and mind from further temptations and indiscretions. If you finally come to a place where you can say “I am not a cheater” then that is the perfect time for your pride to launch another attack.  Your pride will make you fall…again.

Saying that “I don’t want to be a cheater” is NOT powerful. Wants are weak. As soon as something comes along that you want more then you will give up that want. It is natural. If you want a taco for dinner and someone offers you a burrito, you may find yourself wanting the burrito more. Thus, the want for a taco becomes unimportant and irrelevant in light of the burrito.

To put it another way, think of all the people who “don’t want to be in debt.” Those very same people will still have a credit card in their wallet, and they’ll buy a car and get a car payment. What about not wanting to be in debt? They will justify the card being in their wallet because of emergencies. They will tell you how their old car had so many issues that they had to get this new one. They will be stuck in debt forever because the “want” simply isn’t powerful enough to overcome the other “wants”.

Missing Family Events

Review:

  • Allie – My wife.  Had an affair with Mark
  • Mark – Was married to Carrie at the time of the affair with Allie
  • Carrie – Mark’s betrayed wife
  • Bob – Me. Betrayed by Allie.

In May of 2018, Carrie filed for divorce from Mark after she learned of the affair he had with my wife Allie.

One of the costs of having an affair is divorce. Divorce means that not only will you be split from your spouse (which some people may welcome) but it also means that you’ll probably be isolated from holidays, family events and social functions.

Here are some of their family events that Mark has missed out on because he chose to have sex with someone who he wasn’t married to. This is just since March 2018. It is costing him lots of money too.

  • His son Drake turned 18 – in May
  • His son Drake graduated high school in June
  • His daughter Kallie turned 14
  • Mark’s own birthday was in April

You might ask how I know these things. Well, I am friends with his wife on Facebook and I was friends with him too. He blocked me and Allie the day I discovered the affair.

I honestly don’t get it. Allie says to me last night to have some empathy for her. I honestly have tried. I have made lots of mental attempts to put myself in her shoes, trying to feel how she felt. Trying to figure out a way to justify cheating on my spouse. I simply can’t.

I can’t get there because it costs way too much. It costs everything and the betrayal is so deep and so pervasive that I simply cannot get to a point of justification. I can get to a place of wanting divorce. I am there now. I have wanted a divorce many times since discovering the affair a couple of months ago.  While I never wanted one before, I now can totally empathize with those who do want to get divorced. But cheating? Nope. Can’t get there. I just don’t think that there is one good reason. Any reason given should be getting a divorce instead.

Why end a marriage in disgrace? Why invest that much of your life only to leave a legacy of pain, destruction, betrayal and dishonesty? When you leave honorably, it costs you way less. Sure, it hurts. But it is a lot better than having an affair.

It took some level of maturity to get married. You’d think that 18 years after our wedding day, that person would have more maturity. That maturity could lead her to say, “I want a divorce” prior to having an affair.

If you’re honest, kind, honorable, truthful and sincere, then a marriage can be ended peacefully and with grace. You just have to have the balls to do it that way. If you end your marriage with honor and peace that WILL come back to you. I believe in Karma. In the Bible version, Karma is reaping and sowing. You reap what you sow. If you sow destruction, lies and affairs, you WILL reap those same things in the future.

We see it all the time. When a couple who gets together during an affair gets married, they have a nearly 100% fail rate. 100%!!!!!!!

Thus, if you start your “relationship” by having an extramarital affair, then it is likely your relationship will end the same.

 

Divorce for Mark and Carrie

Looks like it is official. There is an order in Mark and Carrie’s divorce case. I figured it would not take long since a stipulation was filed nearly a month ago. Basically, Mark realized he was screwed since he’d committed adultery. In Idaho, judges frown on infidelity and he wouldn’t win anything by battling it in court. He never even hired an attorney. Effing coward.

Instead, he curled up like a caged effing rat. Some would say he was brave to take his punishment. I say he was a complete idiot for screwing around on his wife of 20 years. And with a married woman. Karma is a bitch. Mark is gonna forever get to miss family events and it’s gonna cost him a shit-load of money. Maybe if there’s someone out here reading this blog who’s thinking of cheating, you’ll think twice. Or three times.

Mark gets to miss his kids growing up (at the very least 50% of the time)  My guess is that Carrie was so pissed that he may not have gotten that much custody. I don’t know for sure and may never know. Just a hunch.

I do know that the Idaho Child Support Calculator says he’ll be paying about $2,100 in child support. He will also be paying maintenance to Carrie because she literally makes $0 and has relied on his income for 20 years. How much in maintenance? Don’t know that either.  But it will be significant. Perhaps $2,000 per month? Perhaps $4,000? I do know that there is an unwritten rule where judges will award the non-cheating spouse up to 60% of the cheater’s income. Basically, if Mark’s business earns $150,000 annually, then $90,000 would go to Carrie and the other $60,000 to Mark. Mark was shacking up with his daddy last I heard, so his expenses are probably pretty low.

Must be a bit embarrassing to be a 45 year old man having to move back in with the parents.

They own their house outright. Yep. A $450,000 home fully paid for. My guess is the Carrie isn’t moving from her home. That would be expressly unfair. So, she probably gets the home. Now, she may have to buy 1/2 from him, or maybe not. I don’t know. Either way, that costs him a minimum of $225,000. Even if she had to buy 1/2 from him, she would buy it with HIS MONEY!!!!! LOL!  Because he has to pay her each and every month. He would effectively be buying his half of the home from HIMSELF!  What a fucking dumb-ass!  All for a piece of ass?

I am really glad that his wife took it to him by divorcing him. Sometimes people who think that highly of themselves need to be knocked off their high horse. That’ll teach you to mess with someone’s wife you piece of dog shit! Mark the narcissist, who thinks he so effing cool, gets what he deserves.

There simply is no way that it is worth it to screw around on your spouse. I don’t care what kind of excuses anyone gives me, it isn’t worth it. Divorce first. Once you’re divorced, then have at it. No one can convince me otherwise. There simply is NO EXCUSE for what he and my wife did.

Well, what about Allie you ask? I am divorcing her. Just not yet. I am waiting for her to agree to an attorney free divorce with a minimum of 50/50 custody and NO alimony or child support.

 

 

 

The woman who ruined my marriage

I wrote on this before. My wife Allie had an affair with Mark. Mark was married to Carrie for nearly 20 years before they got divorced just this month. Carrie seems to be a very sweet person. I met her in person once on March 20th, 2018. That’s the day I told her about her husband and my wife having an affair.

This past weekend (June 4th, 2018) Carrie unfriended me on Facebook. I don’t ever care about stuff like that, but I knew it is because I am currently married to Allie. I imagined that when she opened FB and saw anything from my news feed, it reminded her of Allie. My guess was that Carrie simply couldn’t take it.

Then, I got a note from Carrie: (removed the real names for privacy)

So, I was correct. Carrie just doesn’t want to see anything that reminds her of Allie who she calls “the woman who ruined my marriage.”

I can’t say that I disagree with Carrie’s sentiment even though I am still married to Allie. A while back, when I found out they were getting divorced, I wrote about what it means to be married to “the other woman.”  Not my “other woman” but “the other woman” to another marriage. (for the record, I don’t have another woman)

It really does bother me that my wife did what she did. I held Allie in such high regard. She’s a Christian, a mom of three sons, and until this affair, had only had sex with one man…….me. What would cause a woman who literally had it all to just say “screw it all, I am doing this”? Even if Allie were single, why would she go after another woman’s wife? There is no future there AND it destroys a family.

Now look, I know that Mike is as much or more at fault than Allie is. Mark ruined their marriage with Allie’s help. But my wife isn’t like that. Or at least I thought……..

When this happens, you pause and say, “who is this person I am married to?”  You know how when someone commits a horrific crime and the news interviews the neighbors? The neighbors are like, “she was a nice person. I would have never imagined them doing something like this.”

That’s how this is. I am married to her. I know her. I know her character and every bit of her background. I married her when she was 24. A virgin strait “A” student. I was with her through grad school. I literally known her since she was about 21 and still so young. Everything we’ve been through would never suggest that she would help ruin another person’s family or marriage……except this is the 2nd time (edit: 3rd time. Yep, there was another one. Read on.) she’s had an affair. And both men were married.

So again, who am I married to?

 

Forsaking all others?

Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep thee only unto her so long as you both shall live?

If you’ve ever been to a wedding, seen a wedding in a movie or been married, you’ve heard some version of the above vows. Here’s another way it’s said:

 I promise to be faithful to you and honest with you; I will respect, help and care for you; I will share my life with you

For cheaters, perhaps vows should be written like this instead.

I will be faithful to you….

  • Unless my needs aren’t being met at home
  • Unless I feel dead in our marriage
  • Unless a hot guy comes along who pays me a lot of attention
  • Unless you gain weight
  • Unless you are disconnected from me
  • Unless you become depressed or sad because your mom and dad pass away
  • Unless I feel lonely
  • Unless I am having trouble communicating with you
  • Unless we have a big argument
  • Unless I get bored with our sex life
  • Unless I am not getting enough sex from you
  • Unless I don’t want to have sex anymore
  • Unless I am feeling down about myself and need someone else to affirm me
  • Unless someone else makes me feel beautiful
  • Unless I can come up with other reasons.
  • Unless I have daddy or mommy issues from when I was growing up
  • Unless I was molested by a 7th grader when I was in 7th grade
  • Unless my dad cheated on my mom and I don’t want to become like her….alone when I am older.

Other than those, I should have a pretty reasonable expectation to be faithful to you. So, you can be secure in that.

If it sounds a bit selfish, it is. Cheating is selfish. Cheating is so completely self-centered, dishonoring, disrespectful and disgusting that there really is no good reason. Perhaps you can relate with one of the “unlesses” above. If so, then go to your spouse and say these words:

“I love you. But I am not feeling beautiful around you. I am giving you six months to help me feel beautiful or I am going to ask for a divorce. Then I will go out and find someone who does make me feel beautiful. I won’t stay married just because it’s convenient because feeling beautiful is my number one priority.”  (Fill in whatever excuse you have in this phrase)

You see, you had whatever maturity it took to walk down the aisle and say those words. You started your marriage with honorable intentions. Now, end it the same way. With honor. With respect. With kindness.

I am not against divorce. There are plenty of reasons for that. If you truly aren’t getting your needs met AND your spouse refuses to do something AFTER you’ve presented that phrase above, then get divorced. And then, find someone who will meet your needs.

But, DIVORCE FIRST!  That is the honorable thing to do. Even if it is less comfortable, it is honorable. It is respectful. Give them a chance, then move on. But don’t cheat.