Should I stay or Should I leave?

This is the battle: Should I stay with Allie or should I leave? As you know, Allie had an affair with a man named Mark starting in January 2018 and ending sometime around March 20, 2018 when I caught her. I didn’t catch her red handed. But right after being with him, I confronted her on a story she told me and she confessed.

Since that date, I have asked six to eight times for her to get a divorce. Her affair partner Mark is getting divorced because Mark’s wife Carrie filed this month. I don’t know the status of their proceeding except to say that all the normal stuff has been filed. We will see what happens once the judgment is entered.

So the question is to stay or go?

When Allie cheated on me the first time in 2012, I was very quick to forgive her, move through the pain and reestablish trust with her. After six years, I completely trusted her. We had a great year last year, going camping several times, taking some trips as a couple, moving into a new home and celebrating all that life offers. I look back at photos from 2017 and I simply don’t see the build up of pain that she describes.

However, Allie’s dad did some crazy shit over the past six years and she’s feeling a lot of rejection from him. But what the eff does that have to do with me? It doesn’t.

This affair took me by complete surprise. Other than a few clues she left here and there, for all intents and purposes, our marriage was going along quite nicely. We were about to celebrate 18 years, our kids were in a school they loved, and we’ve just moved into a home that we are very comfortable in. Everything was great. Literally.  I can name some really wonderful stuff that was happening. Yet, Allie decided to have another affair.

She’s often said that it was a sweet time when I forgave her the first time. She loved how “into her” I was. Truth be told, I was always into her. But how do you reconcile an event like this?

Right now, Allie is remorseful. She often says how her mind is changing and how wrong she was. She have apologized many times in the last couple of weeks for what she did. She talks about how she was an idiot and that the weight of her sin is very heavy.

“When mistrust comes in, loves goes out.”

But she said that in 2012 as well. She used very similar words. She used similar actions. My problem is that she has a serious hold over me because of my love for her. I almost hate how she can get what she wants from me. I really wish I just didn’t care. I still want to protect her as much as I want to protect our kiddos.

I know if she and I get divorced, she’ll begin some crazy-destructive behaviors and I don’t want to put her or our sons through that. How do I know she’ll begin destructive behaviors? Because of the things she’s said throughout this time. She says she would want to be with Mark because she has feelings for him and it would be convenient. What? Doesn’t she realize the chances of a relationship born out of an affair has about a 0%? Of course she does.

Doesn’t she realize that he doesn’t want her? He got his ego boost and now is paying the price. Who in their right mind would want to go into a relationship with someone who cheated on their spouse to start it? That is the same question I ask myself. Who in their right mind would want to continue a relationship with a person who cheated on them multiple times?

The question of whether I will ever trust her again is probably pretty ridiculous. Of course I won’t. Fool me once…

Then, if I don’t trust her do we even have a relationship? Isn’t every relationship worth having built on the foundation of trust? Will I ever trust anyone again? Hmm?

So, I am weighing love vs. security. Balancing my mental battles with the good times. She still calls me “babe” and “honey” and “sweetie.” But those sound so empty. She still wants to plan future stuff, but I just can’t go there right now.

Divorce brings with it a shit load of pain. I know that. I would lose 50% of my time with my kids, lose my daily talks with Allie, it would be lonely as crap as I sleep in a bed alone for the first time in 18+ years. Making dinners during my “off weeks” would be super effing lonely. Maybe I am just scared of being alone?

I really don’t know. Struggling like crazy today.

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