A tool or an obstacle?

I have mentioned that Allie has a lot of narcissistic tendencies. Is she a full-blown narcissist? I mean clinical? I don’t know. But I found a LOT of truth in this article.

This is from the book From Charm to Harm by Greg Zaffuto

To a Narcissist we are ALL either a TOOL or an OBSTACLE – nothing more or nothing less! Let’s really get to know what is behind the façade of a Narcissist!

A Narcissist’s world is all a product of his/her own machinations and self-created delusional imagination and ALL based-on appearances. The Narcissist ONLY wants ‘people objects’ in his/her world that will NOT contradict the illusions he/she creates – as well as ‘people objects’ that serve them and supply them with all of their MANY needs. A Narcissist wants to control your behavior and your thinking and if you contradict this self-created image in the slightest way the Narcissist will rage at you and maybe even annihilate you from disturbing the delicate balance of their disordered world.

Allie loves her image. In some ways I feel like she’s super remorseful now because she is wanting to have that redemption image at church. If she can just convince me to stay then we’ll have this beautiful redemption story that we can share with everyone.

You are there to support and serve them in their game and make them look good and support their omnipotence as well as ACCEPT all of the lies. This comes at a great cost to the target/victim that bought into and believed the big façade or the charm that lured them into this disordered character’s agenda/world.

I became so different than my normal self. After months of recovery time, I still find a different version of myself when I am around Allie. One who is more powerless. One who has less of a say in my own life. It is difficult to explain which is why this article is so helpful.

So, within this grand illusion that they create and live in, they won’t hesitate to say that black is white, or square is round, and you are expected to believe them. They will lie to you about facts they know that you know. They lie to you about what you have said and done, even if you said or did it only a few seconds ago and know the truth. They lie to you about what they have said and done in your very presence. If they are breathing they are lying to support their grand scheme and illusion of themselves! There is no internal mechanism that governs their actions, so it is ANYTHING goes with them no matter the cost to anyone, as long as it serves THEM. They abide by NO rules or laws and if it wasn’t for double standards they would have NO standards at all. Remember once you can NO longer serve them or you disagree with them you are no longer useful to them and you will be discarded or even annihilated – AGAIN we are either a tool to use or an obstacle to them.

A tool is to be used. An obstacle is to be gotten past. I have felt like both with Allie. I also feel that standing my ground has been the toughest thing I have ever done. She has been on the Hoovering technique for a few months now and it has confused me.

Everything MUST support their façade but, their needs can completely consume ANY person that has anything to do with them. Try as you may, you can never give them enough because they ALWAYS want more, and they will seek it ALL out with many other sources of supply.

What he says above hits SO CLOSE TO HOME! I can’t tell you the times I have said that I “can never make her happy.” She always wanted more. And it was always about her.

We would laugh together at what a horrible gift-giver she is. It is funny because she literally has not ever gotten me a really thoughtful gift. Her gifts really suck. There may be more to it because of her only caring about herself and her illusion.

This is not a relationship that is normal and more akin to a parasitic relationship where the malignant Narcissist is the parasite that is draining you of your life energy and anything and everything else you have. So, remember you cannot have any type of relationship with them because there really is no ‘them’ – it is a façade created for you to keep you in their orbit while they consume what they can from you and then they will move onto another source.

Greg nails it again by saying that you can’t really have a relationship with them, because it is only an illusion. THAT IS SO TRUE!!!

It almost sounds like a horror story that you would see at the movies – BUT in reality, if you have had any type of association with a Narcissist, it was a REAL horror story. Knowledge is power because it provides us with the clarity we need to completely break the bond we believe we had with them. The only way to recovery is through knowledge, clarity, support, time, and no/minimal contact. You deserve so much more than this. Remember YOU offered REAL love – and what did you get in return – ABUSE! They JUST DON’T CARE!

The no/minimum contact advice is so key too. Why? Because I become a different man when I am with or around her.

Are narcissists ever ashamed of their behavior?

A great question was posted on Quora. “Are Narcissists ashamed of their behavior?”


Many of us who are victims of infidelity can relate. People who are unfaithful in marriage are generally narcissistic. They simply cannot empathize with others and what their actions do to people. (Empathy and Narcissism are opposites)

One of the answers that are a bit further down the page stood out to me. I encourage you to read the entire above link, but I wanted to address this answer on my blog.

Most narcissists are beset by shame. They are so filled with shame that it causes them to put on a mask of entitlement, specialness, superiority, and all the rest of the DSM traits.

The mask of entitlement and superiority is so prevalent in Allie, my ex-wife. She was always expressing how much better she is than anyone else. Her ideas are better. Her workouts are better. Her ways of doing things are better. And often, they weren’t. For example. She’s a total slob. But would complain that I left my toothbrush on the counter. Meanwhile, her entire makeup set, brush, and everything else were on the counter.

The mask becomes one with them, meaning that they forget that it’s a mask because the shame is so strong. They come to feel they ARE superior, entitled, due to special and attention and so forth.

I can’t tell you how much the above statement resonates with me. Allie truly believes she is superior to all others. Recently she took me to court for an order of protection (she lost) because she doesn’t like that I call her on her shit. She simply can’t handle it. So she hires an attorney and spends lots of money to “prove” that I am being mean to her. (as a side note: I won without even having to put on a defense)

They can’t generate any self-esteem internally. So they rely on other people to generate it for them. This generated self-esteem from others is called narcissistic supply, and it is the sweet nectar of attention, admiration, being treated as special, getting more than anybody else, and so on.

A small example of Allie’s desire to feel special. When she goes to Whole Foods, she will often say “watch me get this for free.”  Then she’d approach the counter and ask if the person had ever tried whatever she wanted to get for free. They would often comp it for her and she’d talk about it for a bit on the way home. She loved the idea that she is the only one who can get stuff for free there. Or that she got stuff for free “all the time.”

When they don’t get this, or when things go bad for them, they enter withdrawal. To prevent this, they have secondary sources of narcissistic supply available if the primary runs out. For example, they might have affairs in case the primary relationship goes bad.

If you’ve read this blog at all, you know that Allie had three affairs that I know of. Must have been times where I wasn’t giving her all the supply she “needed” and she had to find the attention somewhere else. She has said this to me. She stated that “she felt lonely in our marriage” or that “her needs weren’t being met.”