A letter never sent

Here’s a letter I never sent to Allie. Just some thoughts really.


I have heard the phrase “be true to yourself” batted around in the millennial generation’s vernacular.  I think that it should be rephrased :

  • “Be honest with yourself.”
  • “Be honest to yourself.”
  • “Don’t tell yourself lies.”  
  • “Don’t believe the lies that you tell yourself”
  • “Don’t be afraid of the truth that is inside of you.”

Over the last five months I have had to face some realities about myself, our marriage, and about you. I know, I know. You’ll say, “don’t make judgements about me.  Stay on your side of the street.” I disagree however. We must look at each other as well if only to see if we’re telling ourselves the truth about one another.

I think that as I evaluate our lives and our marriage together, one thing stands out. In a conversation we had where I said  “you’ve never so much as mentioned a negative word about Mark.” Never a word about his character or any flaws therein.

So my belief is that deep down, you have a “soul mate” complex happening inside of your head. Basically the belief that Mark is your soul mate and if only you’d met earlier in life, none of this bad marriage stuff would be happening. You could meet his sexual needs, he would have no reason to cheat on you like he did Carrie. She was to blame for his straying from his marriage. Right?

You’ve dropped a lot of hints to me about this. You probably don’t even realize you’re doing it, but I see it. I see the duplicity. I can sense it.  I know you. Sucks to be known like that doesn’t it?

  • You have said that you adored him.
  • You have wondered if your time together meant something.
  • You have wanted to call him to get validation.
  • You called it a “relationship.”  
  • You told him that you love him and you meant it.
  • You had sex with him multiple times and that has to mean something doesn’t it?
  • You risked your whole marriage for him.
  • And when I asked you about why no negative stuff, you said, “I don’t know him that well.”  

My question to you is, “what are you afraid of?”  Are you afraid that if you give up your marriage, Mark may reject you? So, you’ll fight hard for me because I can be counted upon? Because I am reliable and will always be there?  

I remember this same thing came up with your ex-boyfriend Shawn. You described him as unreliable and said that you loved how you could count on me. That I was responsible. Women do this.  It’s weird to guys like me. Women like men who treat them like something to be used. They like the “bad boy” who ignores them and creates that emotional distance. It makes women crazy that their looks and their body can’t get them what they want. They flirt, flaunt, show off, etc.  Then when men take advantage of that, they get mad that the man was “just using them.” It’s sad really. I see so many women who literally sell their souls to get some attention, some empty compliments and affirmations from a cute guy.

My assertion in this is that you don’t want to be HONEST with yourself or me about Mark. Be HONEST. Even if it’s scary. Taking the chance with Mark, means giving me up completely. You are fully aware of that. So, you fight for me. Try to convince me that I am the one and he was just a “symptom” or some trauma.You wish I had a return policy where you could go all in with him and if it turns out that he won’t truly love you back, you can just have me and your family back.

I will say this here and now:  Mark doesn’t love you and won’t ever love you. Sure, you could have a relationship for a few years and it would probably be fun for you. You might even be convinced that you did the right thing by giving up on your marriage. Then after a few years, the fall out would happen when you do finally know him well enough to see his flaws. He has them. You just can’t see them through the blinding light of limerence.

But life is about risks isn’t it? You’ll never know until you take them. You won’t know if you’re letting your soul mate get away to take the “sure thing.” In the affair, you took your risk and Mark risked everything for you. Well, he did his part. He is divorced now. Maybe he’s just waiting for you on the other side. Waiting for you to fly in on your white dove so that you two can live out your days in bliss

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