Affairs suck. The betrayal is something that I may never recover from. I even look at my wife differently than before. Before, I was so proud to have her bouncing around everywhere. (she’s very energetic). I was so eager to see her each day and I had an unbreakable confidence. I proudly introduced her to friends, loved having her sing Karaoke with me even though she has a terrible singing voice and I gladly spent time with her anywhere and anytime.
Today, after her two-month long affair with a guy from the gym named Mark, I do not see her the same as before. I don’t. I am slightly embarrassed at introducing her because when I introduce her to someone it’s like they know….even if they don’t. When I introduce her to a male, I am wondering if she’s wanting to sleep with him too?
Everything about this sucks. Everything.
If you’re the betrayed spouse in an affair, I feel your pain. I feel it completely. The amount of daily mental attacks is overwhelming. For the last three days I have not been able to shake the negative feelings. They started when I found out that her affair partner and his wife are getting divorced. The weight of the reality of this has hit me like a second tidal wave. Only now, I am more removed from it emotionally. Since I found out nearly six weeks ago I first went into EMS mode. Basically, get in the ambulance and rush you to the hospital because your marriage just had a massive stroke.
Now, six weeks past the “stroke” I am learning how to walk again, learning how to talk again and it feels like half of my body doesn’t work correctly. Christian friends look at us and go, “Wow you guys are so inspirational!” You’re working on your marriage. You’re sticking it out!
Inside though, I am dying. I am dying because I can’t get past this negative perspective. Everything has changed. I am a different person and so is she.
But when the immorality or bad fucking choice or stupid decision is so deeply wounding it seems nearly impossible to get past. According to the Bible (which I don’t believe) I am supposed to love my wife unconditionally.
But reconciling a marriage is a MUCH deeper and tougher problem. For me, trust is everything. It was important before, but now it has become even more important. And, I have way less trust than ever. So, it’s a double edged sword. I need even more trust than we had (which from me was complete, full, 100%) but I have lost every ounce of trust I had.
Some friends advise me to leave. They ask me when I will finally get out and protect myself. The short answer is that I don’t know. There is that part of me that simply can’t imagine giving up on 18 years of history with the love of my life. That part that says everyone deserves a second chance. For Allie, however, she had her second chance. She had an affair in 2012 and that was supposedly the only time. I remember her begging me to stay married, making additional promises that she would NEVER do it again. She said that if she was ever even tempted she would come to me first and ask for a divorce. Well, fast-forward six years and she did it again (and again). She didn’t come to me and tell me. She just did it.
UPDATE: My friends were right. They said that they wouldn’t be surprised if I found out about another affair. Well, on Labor Day (2018) she confessed yet another affair. This one was with her boss who she still works with. She says it was “several months” and that she ended it but “can’t remember” when. My guess is that she ended it when she started seeing Mark in her third affair. I can’t keep up anymore!
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Scientifically and statistically there is literally NO WAY for her to change this behavior. A cheater has a 99% chance of repeating the behavior in the future. Translated: it will take an effing miracle to not do it again.
Concluding these posts is hard. In good writing, you would want to come to some meaningful conclusion. That is impossible.
4 thoughts on “You know what sucks about affairs? Everything!”
I agree trust is broken it’s broken. Been there done that. Unfortunately you can move past it, but your always looking over your shoulder and waiting for something suspicious to happen. Which, always usually does. I’m where your at same amount of time. IT SUCKS!!
Helen – It really does suck. But it shows the type of person I don’t want to be with for the rest of my life. Sure, everything changed on March 20th for me, but now I have a bright future in front of me. Things are looking up.
Really sad and inspirational story man. I have had 2 wives and BOTH of them cheated on me. My first one devastated me the most though. I was a virgin at 24 years old when I met her. She was my first kiss, my first marriage, my first girlfriend, my first everything. We were devout Christians and went to church faithfully. After about 10 years of marriage, 2 children and living in 2 different states I found out she had been cheating on me with her boss (he was actually divorced at the time). And was simply using her for sex. Looking back after the wreckage I could see clearly (though cannot prove it) other times when she most likely had cheated on me. Too long to go into though on those.
I drifted for a few years really heartbroken and stunned. And then I met my second wife. We had a good run though. 6 years together. We never argued, but also we never really clicked either. When I found out last August (2018) she had cheated on me, it was strangely not as devastating to me. Don’t get me wrong it still hurt, and I filed for divorce, but it didn’t affect me like the first marriage. I guess it’s because perhaps my heart was so broken after the first marriage that I never really let myself get close to my second wife.
Though that’s probably not entirely true. I was faithful to her and included her in everything. I did my best to show her the love I had, but I was also hardened from my previous experiences so in that respect I was less accommodating when it came to compromises in the household.
My first wife called all the shots and we did what she wanted when she wanted. My second marriage I called most of the shots and directed the family the way I thought best.
In the end, no matter which way I tried seemed to end with the same conclusions. I take heart knowing I was faithful to both of them, so I don’t have to bare that mark on my soul. Though of course I still have a marked soul as you well know.
Your story rings true for me though, as my first wife was ‘big’
into going to the gym. Though I was too trusting to realize until too late what was going on. My second wife was big into going to hang out with her ‘friends’ but again, I was too trusting to realize what was going on their either.
In the end I have resolved myself to work on me these next years. But time is short in this life and daylight seems to be burning faster as the years roll on.
Thank you for this story I will be reading the rest of it. Your honesty is both saddening and inspirational because I know what you are dealing with as you post your cogent synopsis of what you went through.
Thanks for reading it. And I wish I didn’t know what you’ve been through. It’s so “normal” though as I read the stories of other men on some of the groups I am a member of. One thing you said that rings so true. You said, “I take heart knowing I was faithful to both of them, so I don’t have to bare that mark on my soul.” That, my brother, is the truth! You walked away with your integrity in tact. Your morals weren’t compromised. Keep that. Hold onto that.