The approval drug

By now, if you’ve read this entire blog, you know that I am divorced from Allie. Allie had three affairs that I know of and our divorce was final in February of 2019.

Lately, I have been very kind to her in our email correspondence. I usually don’t interact with her very much during kid exchanges. Since two of our children are teens, it is easy just to drop them at her place or call them and not see her at all.

However, one of our kids plays sports and we sometimes run into each other on the sidelines. So, I have decided just to be as nice as possible when I have to interact with her. Partly because it helps our sons when we are kind to one another.

The other day during a pick-up at her house, I was waiting in my car for our three sons to come out. We have them 50/50 and have several exchanges weekly. This particular morning my youngest was taking his time eating and they weren’t coming out.

Allie recently bought a new home (and I was the Realtor on the deal) and I have never seen it. So, I went to the door, knocked, and asked Allie if I could see her new place. She agreed and she showed me around. She kind of followed me like a puppy and as I would say things like “wow, your place is really nice,” and “I like how you built the fire pit” and “I like the stone on your fireplace” she would look at me in this certain way. I can only describe the look as a dog would look at bacon. Her need for attention and approval – especially male attention and approval – was so evident that morning.

It makes me sad for her and for her new boyfriend. His name is Adam and apparently they started dating exclusively about 17 days after I moved out. LOL! Adam has no idea what’s gonna hit him. He’s in for it once she starts to believe that she needs more male attention and approval. She already did it to me the other day and at the beginning of hers and Adam’s relationship.

It is like a drug to her. She HAS to have it at any cost.

2 thoughts on “The approval drug”

  1. Just found your blog this morning. I’m 9 months past D-Day #1 & 2 (because in addition to my husband’s 8 month affair that ended May 26, 2019 (the day before our 13th anniversary) when I found raunchy and emotional texts with a married woman and supposed friend of mine, he also confirmed my suspicion that he cheated on me 15 years ago while we were engaged. My first instinct was to file for divorce, but financially I couldn’t afford to care for our two kids and myself in the high-cost state of Hawaii. We’d been planning a move at the time I found out for his new job, so not knowing what else to do, I went along with the move. He threatened/attempted suicide, said our daughters hated me and would choose him, and all the other manipulative things cheaters say. Blamed me for “not loving him enough” and all the other excuses. Three months into our reconciliation I got pregnant at age 38. We weren’t trying. I’m now 6 months pregnant and we’re building a house in our new town. He’s sober after 20+ years of alcohol addiction, which he also used as an excuse for the affair. We’re in counseling, I have access to his phone, computer, etc. He doesn’t travel any more (that’s when their encounters happened, as she lived in a different state). The OW, who also has 2 daughters, is back with her husband and posts professional family photos of them all at the beach to Facebook. It was clearly all an ego trip for her. She was unhappy her husband didn’t help with household chores. That seems to be the extent of her argument for cheating. She saw in my husband a depressed, alcoholic who she could use to boost her own self-esteem. I truly believe she has anti-social personality disorder and is a narcissist. In their texts I found, she actually called herself a homewrecker and then did the laughing emoji. She said “I think your anniversary is tomorrow. I feel kinda bad. (embarrassed emoji).” And she is a psychology professor. Scary. All this rambling to say: I lie in bed at night unable to sleep because I’m so hugely pregnant now and can’t get out of my head how he could tell her 8+x in one 24-hour text how much he loved her and he doesn’t say it to me unless I say it first. And now I’m trapped with 2 kids under 10 who have no idea what their dad (who they love very much) did and a new baby on the way in three months. And a $450,000 house with the foundation already poured in progress. I’m objectively more attractive than the OW (I’ve done a survey, lol). I’m a good person (they were having their weekly phone sex dates while I was in church with our kids). Her husband is a good person too. He and I were there for each other in the beginning (I called him with the news), but since they are back together I had to unfriend him on FB so I don’t have to keep seeing her. I check my husband’s phone and Internet history weekly, expecting to turn up something, and I haven’t–yet. But I also know now how sneaky cheaters are. And they were very careful about their secret app and secret email addresses and hidden folders. If my husband hadn’t been so drunk and careless about letting me see his phone that night, I probably still wouldn’t know. And they had at least 2 more meet-ups planned for that summer. After the baby comes, my income will be cut in half, and then I’ll be completely dependent on him. We also moved from a state where his infidelity would have mattered (I could have even sued her–they are better off than us–under the homewrecker law) to a no-fault state. I can’t bear the idea of only seeing my kids 50% of the time, especially the new baby. So here I am. Dealing with the daily mind fuck. On my worst days, I think about having an affair, too. It would be extremely easy. But then I remember I still have my integrity, and that’s something neither of them can claim.

    1. So sorry. It sucks worse than anything else. I can only tell you from my own experience that he will probably do it again. They always do. I wish you the very best, but I don’t believe that the outcome will be anything great. Cheaters will always cheat. Always.

      Also, your integrity is worth more than gold. It is WHO you are. Stay strong. I don’t like to give advice. Everyone has their reasons for staying in a marriage. But if I could go back to Affair #1 in 2012, I would divorce her then. No reason or rationale could stop me now that I know what I know.

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