I wrote yesterday about whether or not my spouse is “in love” with her affair partner. In that post, I talked a bit about the fantasy world that people live in while they’re involved — and after — affairs.
We are one month and six days after what is called d-day. D-Day is the day when the affair is discovered. So, in 36 days, where is my wife? We are still together and seeing counselors. We don’t exactly know what the future holds, but we are still in the same house and largely living the same life.
Is there a mental disorder?
I am not sure. But there are certainly some very pervasive mental fantasies that thoroughly screw with the mind. I asked my wife yesterday if we were to get separated or divorced, would she want to be with Mark (the AP)? She didn’t hesitate and answered “yes.”
Now, you have to understand, Mark is married. Mark has four children from 10 to about 17 years old. Mark used her for sex and literally was at it again, flirting with another woman at our gym just four days after they were caught. He totally ignored my wife, not even noticing her. Mark could care less.
When I asked why, she said she had feelings for him and it would be most convenient to be with him. (Still would be adultery mind you because they wouldn’t be married)
Later, while explaining it, she said “But Mark is someone else’s husband, so I couldn’t be with him. He belongs to her.” Is that the ONLY reason? How about me, your husband of 18 years. The one who has poured out his ENTIRE life for you? How about our three sons who look at their mother as a representation of how women love and stand by their men? How about our three year old who wouldn’t know what the eff was happening if he were to have to visit with another adult man two weeks out of every month? What about NOT BEING THE OTHER WOMAN to a family who probably needs their father?
Just because he belongs to her?
This is why I believe there is a bit of derangement when women have affairs. Women seek so much emotional connection that if you’re a decent looking guy, you can give them that “listening ear” and they’ll give you sex. Doesn’t matter to them about anything else.
Now, keep in mind, this doesn’t really bug me much. I realize that sin has HUGE consequences and for now, I have my wife here. She lives in my home. She cares for my kids. She even tells me how much she is falling in love with me again. So, if you’re in this situation, you don’t need to take it too personally.
Sure, she may leave later. But she already left before. Sure we may get divorced later, but she’d already divorced me in her heart in February and March of this year. Since the most devastating news of my life, it really can’t get much worse.
So, I don’t let what she said bother me. I am waiting for the remorse to fall. As God reveals her sin to her more and more, she will feel sorrow. I don’t have to force that sorrow. That’s an important thing to remember. It is not my job to control her. It is not my job to manipulate her. I am ONLY supposed to love her.