You know what sucks about affairs? Everything!

Affairs suck. The betrayal is something that I may never recover from. I even look at my wife differently than before. Before, I was so proud to have her bouncing around everywhere. (she’s very energetic). I was so eager to see her each day and I had an unbreakable confidence. I proudly introduced her to friends, loved having her sing Karaoke with me even though she has a terrible singing voice and I gladly spent time with her anywhere and anytime.

Today, after her two-month long affair with a guy from the gym named Mark, I do not see her the same as before. I don’t. I am slightly embarrassed at introducing her because when I introduce her to someone it’s like they know….even if they don’t. When I introduce her to a male, I am wondering if she’s wanting to sleep with him too?

Everything about this sucks. Everything.

If you’re the betrayed spouse in an affair, I feel your pain. I feel it completely. The amount of daily mental attacks is overwhelming. For the last three days I have not been able to shake the negative feelings. They started when I found out that her affair partner and his wife are getting divorced.  The weight of the reality of this has hit me like a second tidal wave. Only now, I am more removed from it emotionally. Since I found out nearly six weeks ago I first went into EMS mode. Basically, get in the ambulance and rush you to the hospital because your marriage just had a massive stroke.

Now, six weeks past the “stroke” I am learning how to walk again, learning how to talk again and it feels like half of my body doesn’t work correctly. Christian friends look at us and go, “Wow you guys are so inspirational!”  You’re working on your marriage. You’re sticking it out!

Inside though, I am dying. I am dying because I can’t get past this negative perspective. Everything has changed. I am a different person and so is she. I forgive her. Heck, we all make mistakes. We all sin. We all give in and fall short of ours and others’ expectations. I get that.

But when the sin, mistake, bad fucking choice, stupid decision is so deeply wounding it seems nearly impossible to get past. According to the Bible I am supposed to love my wife unconditionally. Not a question. There is literally nothing she can do that would make me not love her.

But reconciling a marriage is a MUCH deeper and tougher problem. For me, trust is everything. It was important before, but now it has become even more important. And, I have way less trust than ever. So, it’s a double edged sword. I need even more trust than we had (which from me was complete, full, 100%) but I have lost every ounce of trust I had.

Some friends advise me to leave. They ask me when I will finally get out and protect myself. The short answer is that I don’t know. There is that part of me that simply can’t imagine giving up on 18 years of history with the love of my life. That part that says everyone deserves a second chance. For Allie, however, she had her second chance. She had an affair in 2012 and that was supposedly the only time. I remember her begging me to stay, making promises that she would NEVER do it again. She said that if she was ever even tempted she would come to me first and ask for a divorce. Well, fast-forward six years and she did it again. She didn’t come to me and tell me. She just did it.

UPDATE: My friends were right. They said that they wouldn’t be surprised if I found out about another affair. Well, on Labor Day (2018) she confessed yet another affair.  With her boss who she still works with.  She says it was “several months” and that she ended it but “can’t remember” when.  My guess is that she ended it when she started seeing Mark in her third affair.  I can’t keep up anymore!

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Scientifically and statistically there is literally NO WAY for her to change this behavior. A cheater has a 99% chance of repeating the behavior in the future. Translated: it will take an effing miracle to not do it again.

Concluding these posts is hard. In good writing, you would want to come to some meaningful conclusion. That is impossible.

Getting what he deserves?

My wife of 18 years decided to have an affair with a married man named Mark. After their two-month fling with resulted in them having sex approximately four times, Mark’s wife decided to divorce him. On May 1st, 2018, Carrie filed for a divorce just three months shy of their own 20th anniversary.

Mark and Carrie have four children together and I think three are minors. I believe that one is older than 18. Carrie hasn’t worked since they had their first child just about 19 years ago. So, she is 100% dependent on him making money. Idaho is can be an “at fault” state with regard to divorce. One of the grounds for divorce is adultery.  From what I hear, judges in Idaho don’t look favorably on adulterers.

I don’t think Carrie will be happy with anything less than lifetime support, half of all marital assets (houses, business assets, personal property, etc.) plus support for the children. All in she’s probably looking at $4,000+ each and every month from Mark. Once the kids reach 18, child support probably ends, but the payments for college do not. At any rate, it’s gonna cost him for a long, long time.

I have to wonder: Was it worth it? I mean, I think my wife is gorgeous but no amount of sex is worth that much each month as a “payment.”  Was it a big ego boost? What in the world would drive a person to risk their marriage, the mental health of their children, their finances, their reputation, and their future? Some sex? A couple of months of feeling good? It is crazy to me.  I simply cannot fathom it.

Even if he was completely unhappy in his marriage to Carrie, wouldn’t it had been much better and more honorable to come to her and ask for a divorce citing his unhappiness? Believe me, I am asking the same questions about my own wife each and every day.

I would say it’s out of character. But is it? Maybe it’s in character and that is the precise issue. Perhaps that it is a deep addiction issue or a huge character flaw. Affairs aren’t normal. They aren’t. But there isn’t a simple solution.

Carrie found her solution. Divorce Mark. He deserves worse. But so does Allie.

 

Why did she cheat?

You know, I have read countless articles, thought, pondered, tried to empathize, asked friends, asked Allie herself. And still the answer to “why” is an unknown. Oh, there are reasons:

  • She was unhappy in our marriage
  • She wasn’t getting her needs met (blaming me)
  • She has childhood issues (blaming mom & dad)
  • She was in a “triggered space” (whatever that means)
  • She was pursued by Mark
  • She never saw it coming
  • She didn’t pursue an affair

Whatever the reason from above, or from anywhere else, the reason “why” is still not good enough. Keep in mind she is claiming 100% responsibility for the affair.  She is saying it was completely and utterly her fault while she tries to convince me to stay.

I am saying that it is not good enough because there is a much more honorable way out if you have a “reason” to go that far. You can go to your spouse and say, “I would like to get out of our marriage.”

Nine words.

It is literally that simple. So the question still remains, “why did she cheat?”  I think that answer is also a bit simple. Because she doesn’t like being alone and because she wanted to.

Sure, she wasn’t really alone alone in our marriage. But this good looking guy came along and told her she was the best thing since sliced bread.  He swept her off her feet with narcissistic love bombing. She took the bait.  Heck, I think she wanted the bait.

So what do I mean by she doesn’t want to be alone. Well, while she was in the affair, she basically had a good “plan B.”  This means that if the affair meant that it would end our marriage, then she still had Mark. I mean, it was clear that he loved her and she’d met her soul mate. (note the sarcasm)

Mark would certainly never leave her.  So, she could cheat, and it wouldn’t make her alone at all. She tested the waters with him by giving him everything, telling him that she loved him and seeing if he would respond in kind. All he really wanted was to have sex with her. He was just looking for what’s called narcissistic supply.

You see, I don’t buy into any argument that says that a person had no other choice but to cheat. A person has a million choices INCLUDING getting out of the marriage FIRST!

List of Reasons

Let’s go through the list of reasons to have an affair. I would challenge anyone to give me ONE reason that would justify cheating on a spouse.

  • My needs aren’t being met at home – My answer: Ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Find someone to meet your needs.
  • My spouse isn’t interested in sex any more – My answer: Ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Find someone who is interested in sex
  • My husband doesn’t listen to me – My answer: Ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Find someone to listen to you
  • My spouse doesn’t respect me – My answer: Ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Find someone who respects you.

You see, there isn’t a justification. Not one. If you’ve been unhappy for years, then that’s your own damn fault, not your spouse’s. What? You say!  Let’s say that you’ve been unhappy for 10 years. Then I say you’ve wasted nine. The first year, you owe it to your spouse to do everything you can to work it out WITHOUT CHEATING!  After that, ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Voila! You aren’t unhappy for nine more years.

You can leave a comment if you have the “perfect reason” justifying infidelity. I will answer you with the same thing “My answer: Ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Find someone to _________________”

 

The woman who ruined my marriage

I wrote on this before. My wife Allie had an affair with Mark. Mark was married to Carrie for nearly 20 years before they got divorced just this month. Carrie seems to be a very sweet person. I met her in person once on March 20th, 2018. That’s the day I told her about her husband and my wife having an affair.

This past weekend (June 4th, 2018) Carrie unfriended me on Facebook. I don’t ever care about stuff like that, but I knew it is because I am currently staying with Allie. I imagined that when she opened FB and saw anything from my news feed, it reminded her of Allie. My guess was that Carrie simply couldn’t take it.

Then, I got a note from Carrie: (removed the real names for privacy)

So, I was correct. Carrie just doesn’t want to see anything that reminds her of Allie who she calls “the woman who ruined my marriage.”

I can’t say that I disagree with Carrie’s sentiment even though I am still married to Allie. A while back, when I found out they were getting divorced, I wrote about what it means to be married to “the other woman.”  Not my “other woman” but “the other woman” to another marriage. (for the record, I don’t have another woman)

It really does bother me that my wife did what she did. I held Allie in such high regard. She’s a Christian, a mom of three sons, and until this affair, had only had sex with one man…….me. What would cause a woman who literally had it all to just say “screw it all, I am doing this”? Even if Allie were single, why would she go after another woman’s wife? There is no future there AND it destroys a family.

Now look, I know that Mike is as much or more at fault than Allie is. Mike ruined their marriage with Allie’s help. But my wife isn’t like that. Or at least I thought……..

When this happens, you pause and say, “who is this person I am married to?”  You know how when someone commits a horrific crime and the news interviews the neighbors? The neighbors are like, “she was a nice person. I would have never imagined them doing something like this.”

That’s how this is. I am married to her. I know her. I know her character and every bit of her background. I married her when she was 24. A virgin strait “A” student. I was with her through grad school. I literally known her since she was about 21 and still so young. Everything we’ve been through would never suggest that she would help ruin another person’s family or marriage……except this is the 2nd time she’s had an affair. And both men were married.

So again, who am I married to?

 

We are staying married

UPDATE:  I am filing for divorce this week.  After six months of thinking, praying, and clearing my head, I simply can’t take the pain of the affair(s).  Oh Yeah, when I wrote this, I wasn’t aware of the affair she had with her boss last year for several months. That really was the straw that broke my back.

Do I feel secure in my marriage? Nope.

Do I think that Allie will cheat again? Probably, if given the opportunity.

So why then am I staying married to her? Why put myself through that again? Great questions.

As you know, Allie had an affair with Mark which I discovered on March 20th, 2018. Since then, it has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I have wrestled with the question of staying with or leaving her. And what is best for our three sons. This was Allie’s 2nd affair.

Allie’s affair partner Mark is now divorced and Allie was at least a 50% cause of their marriage splitting up. I have a LOT to deal with mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  All of that being said, I am staying with Allie for now. Perhaps forever.

So the question is why? Why would I stay with someone who obviously doesn’t care about her commitment to me and/or her covenant with God? Why stay with someone who would treat me like absolute crap, rake me over the coals, tear out my heart and then try to make amends? Why stay with a homewrecker? Why give into her at all? Why not punish her by letting her be a single?

My answer is complex. I have loved her since the day I met her nearly 20 years ago. Allie wasn’t my type. She wasn’t the most attractive woman I had ever been with or ever met. Allie struggled with acne, even at 23 years old when I met her. Her mom wasn’t attractive, her family was quirky, and she came with a load of medical school debt from her physical therapy degree. But for some crazy reason, I loved her.

We have been through a MASSIVE amount of experiences together. We’ve lived overseas….twice. We’ve traveled the world. We’ve given birth to three sons in three different countries. We have done more than most couples I know.

She is the mother of my three sons. And it is well-documented that kids get screwed up by divorce. Sometimes for their entire lives.

Lastly, God. My faith in God convinces me that I should stay. Not for her, but for Him. Because she deserves divorce and struggle and pain, I won’t give it to her. God wouldn’t give it to me when I deserved it. When Paul was in prison for sharing faith in Jesus, he said that he has learned to become content in all circumstances. Then he goes before King Agrippa and states his case. He has done nothing wrong, yet he is punished.

I also haven’t done anything wrong in this affair. Quite the opposite. After the last affair, I changed. I became the man Allie said that she needed me to be so that we could avoid another affair. Then she had another affair. It crushed me.

Has everything changed? Yes. I will never see her the same or see our marriage the same. It’s not the same any more. Everything has changed. My views. My life. But I can still be content. I can still be satisfied in God with what He has for me though my life isn’t what I had hoped or planned.

Right now in Allie’s remorse, she is being very sweet and attentive. We had a great sex life before and that has not changed since her second affair. She is aware of me and my physical needs and she is being very apologetic. Could be empty words to avoid punishment. Could be true remorse. The only way to find out is to stick around.

If I divorce her, it would be final. But I think I would regret it for the rest of my life. I think that if I do it now, I wouldn’t know the end of the story. Imagine watching Star Wars and giving up on the heroes when it seems like all is lost. Imagine any story where the situation seems hopeless. Then, by the end, there’s a ray of sunshine. Hope.

Will I ever love her the same? Will I ever love her better? Will she become brand new? Will she make it into heaven? Is her soul lost?

I don’t know. But if I divorce her, I won’t ever know. Divorce ends the story. Our story. Sure, I could write another story with another woman, but honestly…..fuck that. Seems like a nightmare to me right now.

I have heard that 2-3 years after divorce, your head is clear and you can date again. You can be healthy. I think that 2-3 years after divorce, I would be wondering what would have happened if I had stuck with Allie. I can’t just unlove her, even when she does what she did.

Does it suck? Yes. But I am still hanging on. Still writing the story.

Allie’s first affair

As I was writing my last post a question came to mind, “who am I married to?” Carrie describes Allie as “the woman who ruined my marriage.”

It made me think of the first time Allie had an affair with a married man. His name was Shawn and Allie met him mountain biking in May of 2012.

Back up ONE MONTH from there. We’d just come back from a two-week family vacation in Costa Rica. Spent about $5,000 on that. From Costa Rica, we flew up to South Carolina to celebrate Allie’s Grandmother’s 90th birthday. While there, Allie’s dad was a complete ass-hat to us and we later found out that he was having an affair with a woman he is now married to.

Okay, fast forward. Allie met Shawn on a biking trail in Colorado. She was mountain biking a lot because her friend Gina was really into it. Their mountain biking outings were about 4-5 hours long and I would watch the kids for her so she could get out there and exercise. (this would come back to bite me)

Gina and Allie meet up with Shawn on a trail. He rides with them that day. Of course, Allie is quick to share her phone number with him so that she can invite him to ride again. That’s where it starts. He starts texting her and she “didn’t see it coming.”  Just like with Mark.

He gets so interested in her and they start having meet-ups.  They get physical and emotional, but supposedly didn’t have sex. I wasn’t there, so I can’t be 100% sure that’s true.

The affair ended because I caught her by finding some of the lovey dovey emails they were sending back and forth. Allie had used an old email account that she used to use so that I wouldn’t see the communications. But, like all cheaters, she eventually got caught.