Affairs suck. The betrayal is something that I may never recover from. I even look at my wife differently than before. Before, I was so proud to have her bouncing around everywhere. (she’s very energetic). I was so eager to see her each day and I had an unbreakable confidence. I proudly introduced her to friends, loved having her sing Karaoke with me even though she has a terrible singing voice and I gladly spent time with her anywhere and anytime.
Today, after her two-month long affair with a guy from the gym named Mark, I do not see her the same as before. I don’t. I am slightly embarrassed at introducing her because when I introduce her to someone it’s like they know….even if they don’t. When I introduce her to a male, I am wondering if she’s wanting to sleep with him too?
Everything about this sucks. Everything.
If you’re the betrayed spouse in an affair, I feel your pain. I feel it completely. The amount of daily mental attacks is overwhelming. For the last three days I have not been able to shake the negative feelings. They started when I found out that her affair partner and his wife are getting divorced. The weight of the reality of this has hit me like a second tidal wave. Only now, I am more removed from it emotionally. Since I found out nearly six weeks ago I first went into EMS mode. Basically, get in the ambulance and rush you to the hospital because your marriage just had a massive stroke.
Now, six weeks past the “stroke” I am learning how to walk again, learning how to talk again and it feels like half of my body doesn’t work correctly. Christian friends look at us and go, “Wow you guys are so inspirational!” You’re working on your marriage. You’re sticking it out!
Inside though, I am dying. I am dying because I can’t get past this negative perspective. Everything has changed. I am a different person and so is she. I forgive her. Heck, we all make mistakes. We all sin. We all give in and fall short of ours and others’ expectations. I get that.
But when the sin, mistake, bad fucking choice, stupid decision is so deeply wounding it seems nearly impossible to get past. According to the Bible I am supposed to love my wife unconditionally. Not a question. There is literally nothing she can do that would make me not love her.
But reconciling a marriage is a MUCH deeper and tougher problem. For me, trust is everything. It was important before, but now it has become even more important. And, I have way less trust than ever. So, it’s a double edged sword. I need even more trust than we had (which from me was complete, full, 100%) but I have lost every ounce of trust I had.
Some friends advise me to leave. They ask me when I will finally get out and protect myself. The short answer is that I don’t know. There is that part of me that simply can’t imagine giving up on 18 years of history with the love of my life. That part that says everyone deserves a second chance. For Allie, however, she had her second chance. She had an affair in 2012 and that was supposedly the only time. I remember her begging me to stay, making promises that she would NEVER do it again. She said that if she was ever even tempted she would come to me first and ask for a divorce. Well, fast-forward six years and she did it again. She didn’t come to me and tell me. She just did it.
UPDATE: My friends were right. They said that they wouldn’t be surprised if I found out about another affair. Well, on Labor Day (2018) she confessed yet another affair. With her boss who she still works with. She says it was “several months” and that she ended it but “can’t remember” when. My guess is that she ended it when she started seeing Mark in her third affair. I can’t keep up anymore!
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Scientifically and statistically there is literally NO WAY for her to change this behavior. A cheater has a 99% chance of repeating the behavior in the future. Translated: it will take an effing miracle to not do it again.
Concluding these posts is hard. In good writing, you would want to come to some meaningful conclusion. That is impossible.