What can stop a cheater?

It’s been a while since my last post. Lots has been going on, but I won’t get into detail about that right now.

I was thinking the other day about what might stop a person from cheating. I know for me, I have several core values that I run my decisions through. They are Character, Integrity, Commitment & Self-Respect. I simply cannot go there. Sure, I have been tempted. But I have always walked away. One time, I sped away in my car because the waitress who was flirting was so beautiful, I was very, very tempted.

Here are a list of reasons that should’ve stopped Allie from cheating with Mark.

  • Allie is married – This is an easy one. Any guy hits on you, tell them to fuck off. You’re married. Sure, it’s flattering because you’re human. But you committed to marriage to your husband, so do that. If you can’t, then get out of your marriage BEFORE starting a new relationship. Any real relationship worth having is also worth waiting for.
  • Mark is/was married – I wrote it like this because Mark’s wife divorced him in May of this year. When a married person starts hitting on you, no matter if you’re married or not, you shut that shit down!  Let them fuck up with someone else. This goes to integrity and character. Mark has four children who will be forever affected by their parents’ divorce. You tell them that as long as they are married, you will have NO PART in anything with them. And, if they persist, then call their spouse and let them know that their husband is hitting on you. You do this because as a member of society, it is part of the unspoken agreement. You just don’t screw with someone’s spouse. And ultimately their kids. You don’t want that kind of shit-Karma coming back on you.
  • Allie is a Christian – Hard to tell right? I know. I have wrestled with this a lot. How does a Christian, home-school mom abandon every ounce of integrity to sleep with a married man? Mental illness? Perhaps. I think that if you’re really a Christian, then you simply cannot do that. Sure, the common statement is that every sin is the same in God’s eyes. I am not so sure about that. Do a reference read on all of the adultery verses and you may see it like I see it. God divorced Israel a couple of times and gives only ONE reason for divorce in the Bible….adultery. So either she’s not a Christian, or she just said “fuck it” and walked from the Lord.
  • Allie has three adoring sons – We have three sons together. They are 13, 12, and 3 at the time of writing this post. Three sons!  How does a mom abandon her love for her OWN CHILDREN and commit the most destructive act possible in a marriage? Does she not think for at least a second?  The affair was planned. Pre-meditated. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing as she drove to the hotel room to meet up with Mark. How? I could never look my sons in the eyes again had I done that to their mom.  Character. Integrity.
  • She knew it would absolutely destroy me – Allie has had a couple of affairs now. (three actually) This isn’t her first rodeo. After her 2012 affair, I forgave her and she talked at length at how God had saved her, and how she’d never forget me giving her a second chance. Six years later, she forgot. Perhaps because we had another child in that time? She knew how emotionally destructive it would be to me, but did it anyway.
  • Affairs can cause divorce – Allie knows this. But did that stop her? Nope. Mark is already divorced now because it only takes about 21 days here in Idaho. Just that a divorce can happen should be enough to stop any rational person. People get divorced. I get that. But get divorced first!  Don’t have an affair first. It simply doesn’t make sense. Apparently Mark told her that he was a “big boy” and could handle whatever ramifications Carrie threw his way. Hmm.  It’s costing him a fortune.
  • It will harm children – Affairs harm children. Divorce harms children. Study after study shows that children are harmed by divorce, for years and years afterwards. Sometimes up to 30 years later!!  If that isn’t storing up super-bad Karma for yourself, I don’t know what is. Any one of the reasons I name are stoppers for me. But this one….this one is a big one for me. I can’t even think about Mark’s ex-wife and kids without choking up a bit. It sucks for them. What are his two sons and his two daughters gonna think about marriage and relationships?
  • Where is Allie’s self-respect? When Allie and I started dating in 1999, she was (supposedly) a virgin. Yep, 23 years old and had held onto her purity to save herself for marriage. I married her and was the first to sleep with her. (which may not be true as I think about it.)  Maybe she lied.  Who knows.  Let’s assume she was telling the truth. How can you have that much will power and self respect as a young woman and abandon it as a 42 year old home-school mom who’s been married for 18 years? I would hope that even if she were to find herself single, she would have the self-respect to not just sleep with someone. How did she lose all self-respect?
  • Allie abandoned her respect for me – My wife claims that I am her best friend.  With friends like that…..who needs enemies? Bottom line is she abandoned any respect she had for our almost 20-year long relationship. Not even the respect to come tell me that she wanted out of the marriage. Anything?
  • Her Reputation – Wasn’t her own reputation worth it? Among her family, she has lost a ton of respect. Her brother and sis-in-law are very, very cautious around her now. With this being the second time, many in her family and some of her friends are beginning to wonder what exactly is wrong.
  • Her last affair and me giving her a second chance didn’t stop her. Though there was begging, pleading and tons of promises the last time she had an affair, that didn’t stop her. She said it would though. She said that because I forgave her, it strengthened her relationship with Christ and made her trust me more. So much for that right?

Why write all of this? Because if none of these things can stop a person from having an affair, then it simply CANNOT be about the betrayed spouse. It isn’t about you. If your partner has or is having an affair, then they have deep issues. Those issues existed prior to you and will continue long past you. But, I get it. It is hard not to take it personally.

 

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