The double life – Externally smiling, Internally broken

What is the double life for the betrayed partner? It is that duality that we live. The one side has to look happy for the kids, strong for the betrayer (Allie) and confident for our co-workers.

On the inside, we’re freaking dying though.  The bottom line is that being betrayed by our “best friend”, our spouse, our lover is effing hurtful. It breaks us completely. There is a depression inside that just doesn’t seem to go away. I am 6 weeks post-discovery of my wife’s second third affair. This time, it hurts worse than the first because all indications were that she’d healed and wouldn’t ever do that again. The sad reality is that often, cheaters are repeaters.  They may have genuine remorse, they may be saying and doing the right things, but cheating — according to experts — is cyclical and WILL come back around.

The question is, how long do we wait as betrayed spouses? If you’re like me, you LOVE your spouse. I do.  I love my wife. Always have. So, she has a power over me that is very difficult to shake. Because I know her and I love her, she can say sweet words to me and I melt. So, when she’s in recovery, everything is great. We have make-up sex….often. She is sweet to the family, she is great with our kids. But, once she goes into the triggered or cycled space, she becomes pretty hard to deal with. She’s aggravated easily, she’s much more short with us all, and you literally can’t apologize enough to make her feel like you’re truly sorry for something. When she is like this, it is only a matter of time before she reaches out to another man.

The thing is, how do you tell her that this time is different? This time, I am dying inside and I don’t see her the same.  I can’t stand what she did this time. After the first one, I chalked it up as a mistake.  A painful indiscretion and I got over it.  Forgave her, etc. Now we’re into multiple affairs. Cyclical affairs. They could become more and more frequent as her brain desires that chemical rush that she got before by sneaking.

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