Justification by relationship

I realized by closing this blog with my “goodbye” post may have been premature. This blog is as much about helping others through the process of grieving the loss of a spouse as it is for me to heal, process and journal.

Something I have been thinking of the the past few days. I am just now sitting down to write it out. I write these posts from the heart and rarely – if ever – do I go back and edit or change the posts. I feel that it is best to honestly express yourself as you write so that the rawness can “come out.”

Allie’s New Relationship

You probably know that I moved out in October of last year and in November, Allie started a relationship with a guy named Erin.

That aside, she has been dating him for a couple of months now and I know very, very little about him. She doesn’t throw the relationship in my face and my kids don’t say much.

What I know from her is that he doesn’t live in Idaho. And they have mostly a phone relationship. I know that she spent five or six days with him over New Years.  And this coming Spring Break she is going with him somewhere. I have a guess that she’s heading out of the country with him, but that’s another story. (during the time she’s gone, I will be enjoying Spring Break with my sons in Vegas!)

But here’s why I wanted to write about this. When a woman cheats, she is getting validation for herself. Perhaps she has a low self-esteem, or is aging, or feels “lonely” etc. So she cheats on her husband, fucks the whole relationship up, causes extreme havoc and etc. We all know this from my story and probably from your story as well.

Often, a cheater is able to move on to a new relationship quite quickly which baffles men. I am part of several Facebook support groups and at least 2-3 times daily men will ask, “how was she able to move on so quickly after 15, 20, 25 years?”

My budding theory is that women who cheat HAVE to move on quickly. They have to prove to themselves (validation) that they did the right thing. And wow!  This great guy just happened to come along. They believe with their whole hearts that they are being blessed because they were with the wrong guy (you). They may have met their “soul mate” in this new guy because he makes her feel so special.

Read more about why people cheat: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-justifications-of-the-unfaithful

What is interesting is that these justifications don’t stop when your marriage ends. They have to build this new relationship. I mean it is an absolute requirement for them to be able to believe that what they did was “right.”

Time and time again, I read about women doing this. Time and time again, this new guy is not all he’s cracked up to be. Severely flawed, poor, criminals, dishonest, cheats. And it completely baffles the men who were in love with their women. They describe the woman they were married to as a stranger. Someone who isn’t the woman they married.

But as you start to understand that this is female/cheating nature, you start to realize that they are setting themselves up for failure. Failure which they will justify as the other guy’s fault. It may be a couple of years or a couple of months, but they will see the flaws and will NEVER take responsibility for their own actions.

Jennifer Lopez

Do you know that Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez just got engaged. This will be her FOURTH marriage. And her SIXTH engagement. All the sudden, J LO seems to be the common denominator in the relationship failures huh? What do you think she’s gonna do to ARod when he screws up. Just once? She will ditch him.

Does this help?

Maybe by writing this, it will help some of you. I know that there can be some jealousy that her life looks great while the men are left picking up the pieces. We are over here trying to help our kids through the divorce, earning a living and figuring out the new life that we’ve been handed while she’s playing “house” with the new man.

But she HAS to. Otherwise, she will face herself…..the only person really to blame in all of this.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.