An old letter to Allie

I was in my Google drive just to clean things out a bit. I found this letter that I wrote to Allie in August of last year.

Let me recap the timing of this. Unbeknownst to me, Allie was having an affair with her boss during the time I wrote this. So as you read it, you can see that I was confused as to why she was so hostile towards me.

I also bold-faced things that are important in the letter. You can see how I approach her and try to break through.

I have decided to write you a letter rather than speaking in person about this. Lately, our communication has not been effective and I think that by writing to you, you may have more time to process what I am saying rather than reacting immediately or becoming defensive.

Today was really tough for me. The day started with a bit of an argument over a church message. Then, I felt as if I was doing something wrong to you again. So I apologized and said that I really was trying to make it so that you’d have a good day. You replied, “that’s not gonna happen.” You walked off in frustration as I cleaned up the coffee spill and then did the corresponding laundry.

As you walked off and said that you’d “be taking your ‘new car’ to go do something” making a snide reference to the mini-van. I really felt that was ungrateful. We are blessed to have a vehicle and the money to repair it.  I spent a couple of days to make sure you had a rental, repairing your car, and then returning the Altima. It still feels that you weren’t grateful for that. Rather, you made a joke about the repaired vehicle to the kids to indicate your displeasure with the van. I understand that it isn’t a luxurious vehicle, but it is paid for and has been pretty reliable for the past 2 years.

Getting Old Jokes

Last night, you made another joke about me looking old in front of Ryan and Amanda because I hadn’t shaved earlier that day. Simultaneously you complemented Ryan’s gray stripe in his beard. I know I have said this before, but I really don’t appreciate the jokes about me looking or being old. They seem to only happen in social situations where I feel very uncomfortable when you say them.

You’ve used those jokes in front of numerous friends throughout the years. And since every joke has an element of truth, it seems that you think that I look old. I get it. The fact is that I am getting old.  At almost 50, I am a mere 20 years from the age where my dad passed away, 27 years from where my grandfather passed away, and 23 years away from when my mom’s dementia was out of control. So, age is a reality for me and I don’t really find it that funny when you ridicule me in front of our friends or others.

Lately, it seems that you’re really unhappy with me. When I do things, you often will tell me how I didn’t do it well enough or correctly. From putting down too many rocks at my latest flip house, to buying one son the wrong shoes for school, I seem to get it wrong most of the time. Our son says that his shoes work for him, but you say that they aren’t adequate for running and playing. In my mind, I was taking something off of your plate and getting him the shoes that he needed for school. Similarly, I got all of our other son’s books ordered as quickly as possible and got him a haircut. I really am trying to help with the errands and what needs to be done.

Your Job

This is a challenging issue. I am so grateful that you have the opportunity to work and it certainly takes some of the pressure off financially. Having a larger paycheck coming in is more comfortable to say the least and it may empower us to do a few more things that we’ve had to delay.

The problem is that it is not a two-day-per-week job. In fact, hardly a day goes by that you’re not working. From charting to paperwork to calling patients to calling doctors, you’re often working 5+ days per week.  (side note. She was having an affair on those two days, plus texting her boss flirty stuff, etc. which made her busier.) Then the days that you’re scheduled, you’re gone from early morning to late at night with a full day’s charting and prepping waiting for you the next day.

The question in my mind is how we will have home school success with you being pulled in so many different directions. We may be okay for the first couple of weeks, but unless I am able to take some of those responsibilities, I don’t know how we’re going to accomplish the amount of work that the boys need us to get done. I am happy to help, but haven’t felt as if I have the freedom to assist.  Plus, I feel that my assistance may turn into a frustration for you.

I know that I have made the suggestion that you not take as many patients during the day. I understand that you won’t get paid as much, but we were looking at a $500 per month school job prior to this opportunity. So, any more than that and we’re doing better than our earlier projections.

I love you and want the best for you and our family. I try to do what I can to ease your burdens and to help you have good days. More and more, it seems that you’re mad at me, frustrated with the kids and not enjoying your time. Perhaps that is the case or perhaps you’re simply stressed as you say. Either way, I still and will always love you.  When we have time to ourselves, it is magical (to me anyway). After a wind down period, we can laugh and be silly. I miss that part of us a lot.

As of writing this, Allie and I have filed for divorce. We will be officially divorced in January of 2019. It fucking hurts to read this too.  As you might be able to tell, I was reaching out to her, trying to remind her that I love her. But none of that really mattered. When someone has gone outside the marriage multiple times, they really don’t love you.

The sad truth is that she wasn’t happy. I was (other than the frustrations). I loved my wife. And after 18 years, I was just as giddy to be with her as the first day I met her. But marriage that is one sided, will ALWAYS fail.

 

 

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