A text from my best friend

So, I have a best friend of 30 years. He was there for me when Allie had her first affair.

I sent him a text yesterday just to tell him how Allie and I had a little verbal exchange and one of the things that really still gets to me.

While we were arguing, Allie exclaimed, “I was getting my needs met!” She was referring to affairs #2 and #3.  This always gets to me. It bugs me because there is a place where she feels justified in having an affair. Imagine me having an affair after our kids were born simply because my sexual needs weren’t being met by my wife. There’s about a 6-week window where the vagina just isn’t up for any action.

So, with Allie’s theory I could simply say, “I was getting my needs met” and she should be okay with it right? I mean, we have three children so that’s about 12 weeks total where my needs weren’t getting met by my wife. So, I should have the liberty to get laid outside of our marriage with no consequence right?

I send the text to my friend and he replies with this:

Apparently she doesn’t like to be reminded she’s wrong or not perfect. She can’t handle the rejection. Or what she thinks is rejection. Her vision of herself is one of perfection. This goes right to what you’ve been saying, that she needs validation. She needs to be right. It is important to her. So important, that she will risk (and lose) everything for that validation and need to be right.  If you remind her of a fault or a time she was wrong, you become the enemy. Allie has a screw loose brother. I think if you take out the sex and really assess your 20 years together, you will find a lot of fighting, arguing, finger pointing, inability to meet in the middle. My guess is that you are always wrong. (in her mind)

She thinks validation is a perfect husband. Fit. Earner. Boy Scout. You said both times you gained weight, she strayed. She wanted you to be like Mark. She laughed at your career choice the other day. Bottom line, she doesn’t respect you or how you look, or what you do. Hence the affairs. Respect, keeps her home, faithful. Lack of respect puts you on the curb like trash. This is getting easier to see and diagnose.

This is the MOST insightful thing I have ever read on what is going on. My friend is absolutely correct on all counts. She literally expects perfection. She loves to judge others. And especially me. I have often felt like I was walking on egg shells around her. Not accepted for who I am. But having to squash myself in order to not rock her boat.

My buddy also nails it when he says “Respect keeps her home, faithful. Lack of respect puts you on the curb…”

She really doesn’t respect me at all.

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