You know, I have read countless articles, thought, pondered, tried to empathize, asked friends, asked Allie herself. And still the answer to “why” is an unknown. Oh, there are reasons:
- She was unhappy in our marriage
- She wasn’t getting her needs met (blaming me)
- She has childhood issues (blaming mom & dad)
- She was in a “triggered space” (whatever that means)
- She was pursued by Mark
- She never saw it coming
- She didn’t pursue an affair
Whatever the reason from above, or from anywhere else, the reason “why” is still not good enough. Keep in mind she is claiming 100% responsibility for the affair. She is saying it was completely and utterly her fault while she tries to convince me to stay.
I am saying that it is not good enough because there is a much more honorable way out if you have a “reason” to go that far. You can go to your spouse and say, “I would like to get out of our marriage.”
It is literally that simple. So the question still remains, “why did she cheat?” I think that answer is also a bit simple. Because she doesn’t like being alone and because she wanted to.
Sure, she wasn’t really alone alone in our marriage. But this guy came along and told her she was the best thing since sliced bread. He swept her off her feet with narcissistic love bombing. She took the bait. Heck, I think she wanted the bait.
So what do I mean by she doesn’t want to be alone. Well, while she was in the affair, she basically had a good “plan B.” This means that if the affair meant that it would end our marriage, then she still had Mark. I mean, it was clear that he loved her and she’d met her soul mate. (note the sarcasm)
Mark would certainly never leave her. So, she could cheat, and it wouldn’t make her alone at all. She tested the waters with him by giving him everything, telling him that she loved him and seeing if he would respond in kind. All he really wanted was to have sex with her. He was just looking for what’s called narcissistic supply.
You see, I don’t buy into any argument that says that a person had no other choice but to cheat. A person has a million choices INCLUDING getting out of the marriage FIRST!
List of Reasons
Let’s go through the list of reasons to have an affair. I would challenge anyone to give me ONE reason that would justify cheating on a spouse.
- My needs aren’t being met at home – My answer: Ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Find someone to meet your needs.
- My spouse isn’t interested in sex any more – My answer: Ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Find someone who is interested in sex
- My husband doesn’t listen to me – My answer: Ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Find someone to listen to you
- My spouse doesn’t respect me – My answer: Ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Find someone who respects you.
You see, there isn’t a justification. Not one. If you’ve been unhappy for years, then that’s your own damn fault, not your spouse’s. What? You say! Let’s say that you’ve been unhappy for 10 years. Then I say you’ve wasted nine. The first year, you owe it to your spouse to do everything you can to work it out WITHOUT CHEATING! After that, ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Voila! You aren’t unhappy for nine more years.
You can leave a comment if you have the “perfect reason” justifying infidelity. I will answer you with the same thing “My answer: Ask for a divorce. Get a divorce. Find someone to _________________”