Tag: Cheating

Dear Mark

Dear Mark,

It is Sunday, March 25th. Exactly 5 days after I found out about the two of you cheating. Last Sunday at this time, everything was going okay in my family. We were probably grabbing some leftovers, maybe watching a movie that evening, and making some popcorn. I am so used to being with my boys and they’ve never seen me go to a job in their lives. I work from home to be with them. I love my wife; contrary to your belief.

I don’t know what drives a person – two people – in this case, to put a few moments of sex above all else. Sex is so short compared to the rest of our existence here on earth. Meaningless really. While I don’t know exactly how many times you two had sex, I have heard that it was three or four. Let’s take four as an example.

If it was four, then we’re looking at 1-2 hours tops of time actually having sex. So for 1-2 hours of building up your fragile egos, you two destroyed 38 years of marriage. Twenty for you and 18 for us. I can imagine that Carrie is shattered. Even if she puts on a happy face, she is devastated inside. How could she not be? She committed her life, her body, her everything to you and you decided to bed another man’s wife.

I was with Allie right out of grad school. She is a kind and loving person. She has a winning personality. But more than that, we’ve been through 18 years of really great and really challenging times. I have been there for my three sons’ births which happened in three different countries. I nearly delivered my three-year old as he exited Allie’s body — the one you so happily got yourself off with.

Maybe you don’t realize that there are 9 other people involved directly in this. My three kids. Your four kids. Your wife. Me. Nine lives that you gave no consideration to as you wooed her into the back seat of her car, called her, texted her, flirted with her and screwed her.

You have no investment in my family.  I have everything invested in them. You have no love for any of them.  I would die for each and every one of them, including Allie. I did die. I died Tuesday morning. After finding out that she’d been having sex with you.

Since this is the second affair that I know about, I was a bit more emotionally prepared for it. I have only spent hours balled up on the floor crying.  I am sobbing at the loss that you two have perpetuated on my family. I cry for all of the investment we’ve made in building our lives that was stolen from me for a couple of hours of you two getting your thrills.

It isn’t the sex for me. I have had lots of sex in my life prior to my wife. But when I met her almost 20 years ago, everything changed. I fell in love with her from the first moment I saw her and I have loved her ever since. I won’t ever stop loving her.

Your two daughters could very well have daddy issues from this. Your two sons could have latent intimacy issues that only show up later in life when they’re in a romantic relationship.

Real men don’t throw away families in the blink of an eye. As a man, I can tell you what a real man would have done. A real man would go to your wife and ask for a divorce PRIOR to sneaking around. But you have no honor. The brave thing to do would have been to communicate with your bride about the temptations you were having. But you’re a coward. The man thing to do would have been to treat my bride, my wife with respect and honor. Instead you snuck around like a rat in a sewer. The husband thing to do would be to honor your commitment to your wife Carrie. I have only met her once, but she seems like a beautiful woman inside and out. I hated being the one that had to break the news that her husband was a cheating coward. But I knew from your texts to me that you would chicken out on that.

I hope you got the worth you were looking for. I hope that you get more than just bragging rights that you were able to convince my wife to sleep with you. Great job. Was it worth utterly destroying your wife’s confidence? Was it worth harming your kids’ future & their emotions? Was it worth your future reputation? Seriously? Two hours of excitement and validation? You’d have been better off hiring a prostitute. It would have cost a lot less.

Now, my life is in shambles. I am completely broken inside. The woman I love has given herself over to the one thing that would tear down everything we’ve built. In an instant, it is gone. I will forever have to explain to my sons what happened. I will forever have to question her.

They say it takes two people to make a marriage work. In this case, two people, caused irreparable harm to nine others. It only took one out of each marriage to destroy what was built. I hope that makes you proud.

Does my spouse love their affair partner?

When your wife cheats, you often ask this question. “Does she love her affair partner?” Many women, like my wife, have to believe that they love someone to have sex with them. Even in a fantasy like an affair, they allow their heart to “love” so that they can justify their sex with the other person.

In addition, women give sex to get that emotional, feel-good feeling that they’re looking for from an affair. Their dopamine rush comes from them sharing the ultimate intimacy with someone they “love.”

Today, my wife opened up to me about her affair partner even more. 

I am very intuitive about my wife. We’ve been married for 18 years and no one knows her like I do. Since finding out about their affair, I have never heard her say a negative word about her Affair Partner (AP) named Mark.

I mean nothing. Now that we are over a month from “D-Day” I am starting to get more details. Her sorrow and shame is starting to grow as the reality of what she actually did is settling in. But not because she is sorrowful for hurting me. She is sorrowful because she got caught and lost the emotional high she was getting from sneaking around. (more on this later)

During these “sorrowful” moments, I get more and more information about her affair, her feelings and her attraction to this other man.

You see, before this affair, I was (supposedly) my wife’s one and only sex partner. She was a virgin (maybe) when we got married. So, I know that this has to be deeply affecting her. Perhaps with other women, it isn’t such a big deal, but I believe it is for her.

I asked her today if she was still grieving the relationship with Mark. Her answer, without hesitation, was “yes.” I will tell you below whether that bothers me or not. I also asked her if she wasn’t with me, would she want to be with him? She said that she would. She said it would be most convenient to be with him.  Keep in mind, he’s married with four children.

I say this to tell you that the deep fantasy in her mind may last much, much longer and I have to be prepared for that. In her mind, it would still be okay to be with this man — even though he has a family and a wife. She told me that she really had feelings for him. You see, women don’t typically regret their emotional decisions.

Does this bother me? Right now, not really. I guess that when you’ve been through the most devastating news of your life, it is very difficult to be bothered by what was already true during the affair. Here are some simple truths behind women cheating on their husbands. Accept them because you really can’t change them or do anything about them.

    • She was attracted to him
    • She thought about sex with him LONG before having sex with him.
    • It didn’t just happen accidentally and it wasn’t a “mistake.”
    • She has “real” feelings for him which will last long after the affair. Heck, they may never go away.
    • She will always remember — fondly — how he treated her and the time they shared together.
    • She already pictured a future with him even though it would mean giving you up.
    • She probably told him that she loves him.
    • She won’t feel sorrow for it all at once or ever. She will have to fake sorrow to make you feel better.

What can you hold onto during this tumultuous time? 

I hold onto this fact. I KNOW who I am. I know that my decisions are based on values that I hold sacred. While the entire world goes crazy, doesn’t remain faithful, does stupid stuff, I will hold onto my integrity, my honesty and my ethics. I will NOT lose those, no matter what other people do — including my own wife.

Knowing WHO YOU are is so vitally important. I actually had a revelation the other day and had the happiest day since March 20, 2018. That revelation is that what she does or did wasn’t my choice, and I didn’t have any say in it. Thus, I will not and won’t feel any shame for her actions and behaviors. Those are hers and hers alone.

As her husband and best friend, I will love her. Our marriage won’t last, but she is the mother of our three sons.  I won’t trust her ever again, but I will offer her a kindness and respect. After 18 years of marriage and three children, she deserves that. Even though I didn’t deserve what she did to me.

Hold tight to your morals

Your morals, your character and your values are what you have. Those are things that you have direct control over. You do NOT have direct control over other people and their behaviors. So, in this time, hang on to what YOU have rather than worrying about what others have or don’t have.

Read this quote from Billy Graham. Leave the questions of your spouse to them for now until they’re ready to open up to you. Once they’re ready, they will talk. Let them. Don’t take it personally. Don’t get upset. Don’t get angry. Forgive them. Not for them, but for you. Bitterness will kill you.

The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.

~ Billy Graham