Are narcissists ever ashamed of their behavior?

A great question was posted on Quora. “Are Narcissists ashamed of their behavior?”

Many of us who are victims of infidelity can relate. People who are unfaithful in marriage are generally narcissistic. They simply cannot empathize with others and what their actions do to people. (Empathy and Narcissism are opposites)

One of the answers that are a bit further down the page stood out to me. I encourage you to read the entire above link, but I wanted to address this answer on my blog.

Most narcissists are beset by shame. They are so filled with shame that it causes them to put on a mask of entitlement, specialness, superiority, and all the rest of the DSM traits.

The mask of entitlement and superiority is so prevalent in Allie, my ex-wife. She was always expressing how much better she is than anyone else. Her ideas are better. Her workouts are better. Her ways of doing things are better. And often, they weren’t. For example. She’s a total slob. But would complain that I left my toothbrush on the counter. Meanwhile, her entire makeup set, brush, and everything else were on the counter.

The mask becomes one with them, meaning that they forget that it’s a mask because the shame is so strong. They come to feel they ARE superior, entitled, due to special and attention and so forth.

I can’t tell you how much the above statement resonates with me. Allie truly believes she is superior to all others. Recently she took me to court for an order of protection (she lost) because she doesn’t like that I call her on her shit. She simply can’t handle it. So she hires an attorney and spends lots of money to “prove” that I am being mean to her. (as a side note: I won without even having to put on a defense)

They can’t generate any self-esteem internally. So they rely on other people to generate it for them. This generated self-esteem from others is called narcissistic supply, and it is the sweet nectar of attention, admiration, being treated as special, getting more than anybody else, and so on.

A small example of Allie’s desire to feel special. When she goes to Whole Foods, she will often say “watch me get this for free.”  Then she’d approach the counter and ask if the person had ever tried whatever she wanted to get for free. They would often comp it for her and she’d talk about it for a bit on the way home. She loved the idea that she is the only one who can get stuff for free there. Or that she got stuff for free “all the time.”

When they don’t get this, or when things go bad for them, they enter withdrawal. To prevent this, they have secondary sources of narcissistic supply available if the primary runs out. For example, they might have affairs in case the primary relationship goes bad.

If you’ve read this blog at all, you know that Allie had three affairs that I know of. Must have been times where I wasn’t giving her all the supply she “needed” and she had to find the attention somewhere else. She has said this to me. She stated that “she felt lonely in our marriage” or that “her needs weren’t being met.”

Mark apologizes

So I got a call from Mark about two weeks ago. He called me and we spoke for about 45 minutes. He called to apologize.


Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either. When my phone rang, I had him saved as “Piece of Shit.” So as it’s ringing, I thought to myself “this ought to be good.” And I picked up.

What followed was what really seemed like a man who is completely broken. He was quiet, humble, reserved. Far from the proud, cheating dickhead, I met back in Crossfit. He apologized to me. He said he was sorry for what he’d done to my children and for the harm that they’ve had to face. He apologized for the future emotional damage they may have to face.

He said that he works to support Carrie and his four kids and that two of his children haven’t spoken to him in over a year. I remember writing about the monetary costs he would have to face for getting a little side pussy from Allie. But he may have to face a lifelong cost of the loss of his relationship with his kids. He didn’t express how his relationship was with the other two. However, from my experience, kids either outright reject this kind of behavior or they cling to the errant parent almost in hopes that the parent will change back. Like their love will overwhelm the parent and change them into a decent human.

Mark is paying a HUGE price for being unfaithful to his wife of 20 years. A price that I would never want to pay. It’s also a foreshadowing of Allie’s future. I am already seeing and hearing little things that one of my sons says about her. I can easily see a time in the future where he rejects his mom completely. Perhaps my other sons will too.

While I don’t say negative things about their mom in front of them, I will tell them facts about her if they ask. So later, if they ask about her affairs, I will tell them. Of course, I don’t have to tell them that she had them. She confessed the affair with Mark in front of them and has since “apologized” to them about the affairs in her desperate attempt to get attention.

An interesting email

Last year (2018) I attended counseling with Allie. We had two counselors who sat in on all of the sessions. Towards the end of counseling, I was well aware that the marriage was over. I had just found about Allie’s third affair with her boss Derek. I would say that was the nail in the coffin, but it was already over. That just was one MORE reason for me to follow through with a divorce from her.

Allie sent this email to the counselors right after I found out about her third affair. Read this and just enjoy the sickness.

So her “plan” was to keep Derek a secret from me for five more years because by then, we’d have a thriving marriage. By then, I would have “worked on myself” and become a man she could love and stay faithful to?

Then read the last two lines. “Am I asking too much?”  Yes. You cheated on your husband at least three times!!  Now, you’re asking him to stay with you? What the fuck?

“Does that sound like entitlement?” Even she cannot believe the bullshit that comes out of her own mouth.

You’re not responsible for her crazy

Here’s a couple of statements I see quite often. (paraphrasing)

  • “I did this, so she cheated on me.”
  • “She is threatening to commit suicide if I leave her”
  • “She said she will become super promiscuous if we divorce”

Learn this now!  YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CRAZY BEHAVIORS. I don’t care how convincing of an argument she makes, or how much she blames you, or even if you did anything wrong to her. You’re not responsible for another person’s behaviors.

It took me a bit to learn this. My ex, as any of the readers know, had multiple affairs. She blames me quite often for her behaviors. She would play the victim card, assigning blame to me for what she was doing. She is either a victim or a hero in her own mind, but NEVER takes responsibility for her own destructive behaviors. She will constantly take credit for her “good behaviors” saying things like “I am becoming a better person” or “I am working on me.”

At any rate, know that you’re responsible for what you do and she is responsible for what she does. Period.

You can tell a lot by people’s friends

You know, I haven’t written in quite some time. Well here on this blog. I have a personal journal where I write, but sometimes, things I write may not be suitable for the public.

I was thinking today that you can really tell a lot about people by the company they keep. And as I look back upon the 18 years that was my marriage, I can see the people that Allie chose to associate with.

  • There was Nancy – a known cheater who got pregnant and didn’t know if it was her husband’s baby or her affair partner’s. She and Allie were besties for a time. But like all of Allie’s “besties,” Nancy is no longer in her life.
  • There was Shawn – Allie’s first (that I know of) affair partner. He was married with three kids and was cheating on his wife to be with Allie. A real piece of shit lawn guy. Allie chose to be with a lawn guy with three kids and a wife. (while I was earning about $200k that year)
  • And, of course, Mark – Mark was married with four kids. Cheating on his wife with Allie.  Mark is a construction/remodel guy. Probably did pretty well in his business. Now Mark is calling me and apologizing and trying to get his ex-wife, Carrie, to get married to him again. What a piece of shit.
  • Now, her bestie is Lauren – Lauren had her fifth child with her ex-husband Zane. Lauren and Zane were middle school sweethearts and neither of them has ever kissed another person, let alone had sex. Lauren decided that every time they had sex as man and wife, Zane was raping her. Five kids!  Now, Zane has spent nearly $100k in court battling with her and can only see his kids every other weekend. One of his kids is best friends with one of my kids, so I get to hear how terrible it is. Two of the kids hate what’s happening and that they don’t get to see their dad. And they don’t really like their mom. This is Allie’s current bestie. Lauren has NEVER had a job. Ever. Zane took care of everything. Zane is a good looking guy, great dad, LOVED his weird ex-wife and was faithful. Now, she’s cleaning him out using the court system.

All piece of shit people that can’t handle being adults.

The approval drug

By now, if you’ve read this entire blog, you know that I am divorced from Allie. Allie had three affairs that I know of and our divorce was final in February of 2019.

Lately, I have been very kind to her in our email correspondence. I usually don’t interact with her very much during kid exchanges. Since two of our children are teens, it is easy just to drop them at her place or call them and not see her at all.

However, one of our kids plays sports and we sometimes run into each other on the sidelines. So, I have decided just to be as nice as possible when I have to interact with her. Partly because it helps our sons when we are kind to one another.

The other day during a pick-up at her house, I was waiting in my car for our three sons to come out. We have them 50/50 and have several exchanges weekly. This particular morning my youngest was taking his time eating and they weren’t coming out.

Allie recently bought a new home (and I was the Realtor on the deal) and I have never seen it. So, I went to the door, knocked, and asked Allie if I could see her new place. She agreed and she showed me around. She kind of followed me like a puppy and as I would say things like “wow, your place is really nice,” and “I like how you built the fire pit” and “I like the stone on your fireplace” she would look at me in this certain way. I can only describe the look as a dog would look at bacon. Her need for attention and approval – especially male attention and approval – was so evident that morning.

It makes me sad for her and for her new boyfriend. His name is Adam and apparently they started dating exclusively about 17 days after I moved out. LOL! Adam has no idea what’s gonna hit him. He’s in for it once she starts to believe that she needs more male attention and approval. She already did it to me the other day and at the beginning of hers and Adam’s relationship.

It is like a drug to her. She HAS to have it at any cost.

Allie is remarried

So a couple of weeks ago Allie married Aaron. She said she was exclusive with him right at 17 days after I moved out of the house. Since Allie is super into Crossfit, she had a weightlifting competition at their wedding.

So far, I haven’t met Aaron. Our sons tell me that he’s nice. He has two sons as well and it looks like Aaron has custody of them. My sons are getting along with them too.

So, all is well right now.

As for me, I have totally moved on. I simply don’t think about her, the marriage, or the pain anymore. I have been seeing a terrific woman and life is great.

The willing cuckold

I was watching a video today from Red Pill Men’s Health and wanted to comment on it. (Here is the link)  Gregory is talking about the willing cuck that becomes a step-dad. I watched the video twice and you know he makes some very good points. Especially when he talks about how the real father will laugh at you for spending your resources on the single mom.

I did this just the other day with my sons. Adam, who is Allie’s fiance (now they’re married), came to town (airplane ticket) and stayed with Allie. She and Adam built a fire pit in her back yard. And it does look great. It really does. So Adam spent his time, energy, money, and resources on a fire pit that is in a woman’s backyard. Will it benefit him? Only if they get married.  Instead of using that time, that energy, that money and those resources to spend time with his OWN children in Florida, he flew to Idaho to do this with her.

It’s fucking crazy if you ask me. With a 2nd marriage divorce rate hovering at the 80+% mark, and with 75%+ of divorces initiated by women, why would a sane man ever marry, a 43 year old mom who cheated on her husband? What a cuck!

A letter never sent

Here’s a letter I never sent to Allie. Just some thoughts really.


I have heard the phrase “be true to yourself” batted around in the millennial generation’s vernacular.  I think that it should be rephrased :

  • “Be honest with yourself.”
  • “Be honest to yourself.”
  • “Don’t tell yourself lies.”  
  • “Don’t believe the lies that you tell yourself”
  • “Don’t be afraid of the truth that is inside of you.”

Over the last five months I have had to face some realities about myself, our marriage, and about you. I know, I know. You’ll say, “don’t make judgements about me.  Stay on your side of the street.” I disagree however. We must look at each other as well if only to see if we’re telling ourselves the truth about one another.

I think that as I evaluate our lives and our marriage together, one thing stands out. In a conversation we had where I said  “you’ve never so much as mentioned a negative word about Mark.” Never a word about his character or any flaws therein.

So my belief is that deep down, you have a “soul mate” complex happening inside of your head. Basically the belief that Mark is your soul mate and if only you’d met earlier in life, none of this bad marriage stuff would be happening. You could meet his sexual needs, he would have no reason to cheat on you like he did Carrie. She was to blame for his straying from his marriage. Right?

You’ve dropped a lot of hints to me about this. You probably don’t even realize you’re doing it, but I see it. I see the duplicity. I can sense it.  I know you. Sucks to be known like that doesn’t it?

  • You have said that you adored him.
  • You have wondered if your time together meant something.
  • You have wanted to call him to get validation.
  • You called it a “relationship.”  
  • You told him that you love him and you meant it.
  • You had sex with him multiple times and that has to mean something doesn’t it?
  • You risked your whole marriage for him.
  • And when I asked you about why no negative stuff, you said, “I don’t know him that well.”  

My question to you is, “what are you afraid of?”  Are you afraid that if you give up your marriage, Mark may reject you? So, you’ll fight hard for me because I can be counted upon? Because I am reliable and will always be there?  

I remember this same thing came up with your ex-boyfriend Shawn. You described him as unreliable and said that you loved how you could count on me. That I was responsible. Women do this.  It’s weird to guys like me. Women like men who treat them like something to be used. They like the “bad boy” who ignores them and creates that emotional distance. It makes women crazy that their looks and their body can’t get them what they want. They flirt, flaunt, show off, etc.  Then when men take advantage of that, they get mad that the man was “just using them.” It’s sad really. I see so many women who literally sell their souls to get some attention, some empty compliments and affirmations from a cute guy.

My assertion in this is that you don’t want to be HONEST with yourself or me about Mark. Be HONEST. Even if it’s scary. Taking the chance with Mark, means giving me up completely. You are fully aware of that. So, you fight for me. Try to convince me that I am the one and he was just a “symptom” or some trauma.You wish I had a return policy where you could go all in with him and if it turns out that he won’t truly love you back, you can just have me and your family back.

I will say this here and now:  Mark doesn’t love you and won’t ever love you. Sure, you could have a relationship for a few years and it would probably be fun for you. You might even be convinced that you did the right thing by giving up on your marriage. Then after a few years, the fall out would happen when you do finally know him well enough to see his flaws. He has them. You just can’t see them through the blinding light of limerence.

But life is about risks isn’t it? You’ll never know until you take them. You won’t know if you’re letting your soul mate get away to take the “sure thing.” In the affair, you took your risk and Mark risked everything for you. Well, he did his part. He is divorced now. Maybe he’s just waiting for you on the other side. Waiting for you to fly in on your white dove so that you two can live out your days in bliss