Moral Boundaries

Her ability to continue to cross boundaries of morality and integrity are astonishing to me. But then are they?

Recently, Allie filed her taxes. Since we were married for all of last year we have to file “married filing separately” or “married filing jointly.” At any rate, she filed. Our stipulation and divorce decree states that we will alternate years with who claims the children. Each year we will claim one and then we’ll alternate our third child. This year, she was to claim two kids and I was gonna claim one.

I asked her a couple of times about whether she filed according to our decree. She didn’t answer. (this is when I knew she didn’t)  So I called the accountant that she used and confirmed that she claimed all three.  She had also told me that she didn’t remember (lie).

Here’s the point. Lying, cheating, stealing, deception, and betrayal are becoming so normal for her, that she literally doesn’t see anything wrong with any of it. She “deserves Derrick’s business because he’s an ass.”  She filed how the accountant told her to file because she “made more money than I did.”  (she made $25k LESS than I did)

She had sex with Mark and cheated on our marriage because “they were in a relationship” And she moved into a serious relationship with her new victim just a couple weeks after I moved out.

It’s a slippery slope. Once a person lets go of any semblance of moral boundaries, they will let them all go. They just don’t see anything wrong with the immoral stuff they do.

When a cheating wife moves on quickly

I have read thousands of men’s stories about their cheating ex-wives. And in the majority of the stories, the women move on VERY quickly into other relationships.  I addressed this question with my friend Molly.

I asked her “doesn’t anyone think it’s strange that she moved on to another serious relationship within 30 days of me moving out?”

Below are some chunks of the conversation between me and Molly about women moving on. I think it may help some men out there who struggle with this very same question.

MOLLY: It is weird but not super unusual. Very unhealthy. But very simple. She can’t sit with what she’s done. She can’t peel her onion. So she’s just out there adding more layers.   I think that the great majority of humans turn to their addiction when life gets hard.  Men are simply her ADDICTION. Her weakness. It’s not about you. It’s just the thing that makes her feel okay.

It’s perfect that this guy’s long distance. This guy can only ever know the pieces of her she chooses to share.

Also, she wants to hurt you and this is such a good way to do that.

ME: Yeah, she actually said that because he’s far away she can continue to heal.

MOLLY: Not really. Because he’s still there. On the phone, etc. But I guess it depends on how she uses him. She isn’t sitting still. She’s not facing herself and what she is capable of doing.  We all get lost. It’s a good thing to see ourselves and recognize that we are capable of hurting others. And dealing with that capability in the most compassionate way possible.

People have two choices when faced with themselves. Go through it or escape. Dark moments come. You can run and hide from the darkness. Or you can wake up and walk through it. Many people run and hide. Lie, cheat, steal, drugs, alcohol, porn. But YOU choose to go through it. And that takes courage. And you will be rewarded.

ME: She thrives on forgiveness. She simply loves to be forgiven.

MOLLY: “forgiveness” is her mantra because she is comforted in knowing her behavior has been excused and she is still worthy. Cognitive dissonance.

If you can’t correct your behavior, then your only choice is to GET forgiven. If you can’t force that forgiveness and you can’t correct your behavior, you seek revenge…….or you self-destruct. She is choosing to seek revenge but it will lead to self-destruction.

She tries to get forgiveness from you, but it’s sneaky. Because she is manipulative. She knows she won’t change but wants to be excused from her bad behaviors.

And it won’t change with any guy she’s with.

ME: I don’t believe she’ll change. She just loves falling “in love” and finding her “soul mate.”  She’s had three soul mates within the last year. LOL!

MOLLY:  It’s very lonely and painful with brief moments of bliss. The bliss is getting someone to “fall in love.” But it’s not that hard to get a middle aged dude to think he’s fallen in love with you. Easy target. What a sucker! And we women know EXACTLY what to do, how to act, what to say.

Read that last line again: “And we women know EXACTLY what to do, how to act, what to say. “

Molly is spelling it out for us guys!  They KNOW what to do to make us fall for them. They use our own fantasies, dreams, insecurities, faults, passions, and goals to mimic exactly how to act to get us to fall for them. The more you share, the more ammo they have.

If you fish, suddenly she loves to fish. Watch football? she’s studying plays and schemes. Do you love camping? Wow she does too. Are you afraid of women because your last one cheated? She is an angel and would NEVER do that.

Do you want a highly sexual partner? She will become that…….until she doesn’t have to.

You see, women move on quickly because they are well-versed in making men fall. They also need the validation that they are “okay” even though they are doing shitty things. Betraying people. Complaining about people they supposedly love, and back-stabbing. But if someone “loves” them, and forgives them, then their behavior is excused.

The approval drug

By now, if you’ve read this entire blog, you know that I am divorced from Allie. Allie had three affairs that I know of and our divorce was final in February of 2019.

Lately, I have been very kind to her in our email correspondence and in person. I usually don’t interact with her very much during kid exchanges. Since two of our children are teens, it is easy just to drop them at her place or call them and not see her at all.

However, one of our kids plays sports and we sometimes run into each other on the sidelines. So, I have decided just to be as nice as possible when I have to interact with her. Partly because it helps our sons when we are kind to one another.

The other day during a pick-up at her house, I was waiting in my car for our three sons to come out. We have them 50/50 and have several exchanges weekly. This particular morning my youngest was taking his time eating and they weren’t coming out.

Allie recently bought a new home (and I was the Realtor on the deal) and I have never seen it. So, I went to the door, knocked, and asked Allie if I could see her new place. She agreed and she showed me around. She kind of followed me like a puppy and as I would say things like “wow, your place is really nice,” and “I like how you built the fire pit” and “I like the stone on your fireplace” she would look at me in this way. I can only describe the look as a dog would look at bacon. Her need for attention and approval – especially male attention and approval – was so evident that morning.

It makes me sad for her and for her new boyfriend. His name is Adam and apparently they started dating exclusively about 17 days after I moved out. LOL! Adam has no idea what’s gonna hit him. He’s in for it once she starts to believe that she needs more male attention and approval. She already did it to me the other day and at the beginning of hers and Adam’s relationship.

It is like a drug to her. She HAS to have it at any cost.