D-Day — Discovering the affair

Tuesday March 20th, 2018

  • 4:45am – Allie’s alarm goes off. It’s early. Allie wants to wake up and get her workout in before she heads off to work. It is kind of strange because she worked out about three hours the day before (on the 19th)  But I know she loves Crossfit and loves to exercise.
  • 5:45 am – Allie spent a good bit of time getting ready for her workout class. I didn’t look at the exact time she got out of bed after her alarm, but she probably spent 40 minutes getting ready. What ever happened to throwing your hair in a pony tail and hitting the gym?
  • 6:15 am – Class was to begin. Little did I know that there isn’t a Crossfit class at 6:15 on Tuesday. It is a TRX class. Allie doesn’t do TRX. But I was still pretty clueless at this point.
  • 6:45 am – I am out of bed and decide to head over to the YMCA where Allie is working out. Something seems “off” this morning. The YMCA is a 3 minute drive from our house. We live .7 miles from it.
  • 6:50 am – Class is going in the Crossfit / TRX room.  I park the car and look into the classroom. Because it is dark outside and light inside, I can see each person in there.  No Allie.  Where is she? Maybe she’s in the bathroom.
  • 7:00 am – I wait 10 minutes to see if she comes back to the class. She doesn’t. I wait another five minutes. Class is supposed to end at 7:15.
  • 7:05 am – After 15 minutes of watching their class I figure she’s not there. So, I drive around the entire YMCA parking lot looking for her car. It’s not there.  I decide to drive the lot three times to make sure I am don’t miss it. It’s not there.
  • 7:15 am – Head back to my house. I know she isn’t at the YMCA where she said she was going. I have to get my kids off to school so I need to get back.
  • 7:20 am – I know I am gonna have to confront her. So, I get the kids ready and start loading their books in my car.
  • 7:40 am – Allie is driving up.  I see her car coming down our street. Remember, by this time she’s been gone for about two full hours. (for an hour long class that is three minutes from our house)
  • 7:45 am – I ask her where she was? She replies, “I was at the YMCA.” But she has this look on her face that I just know. Wide eyed. I could tell she wasn’t telling the truth and of course I had been there and she wasn’t. I said, “no, you weren’t. I went to the YMCA and you weren’t there. Where were you?”
  • 7:46 am – Allie says, “I have been having an affair with someone. I was with him.”
  • 7:46 am – My heart smashed completely into 1,000 different pieces. I run the boys to school.
  • 8:00 am – I return to find Allie sitting on the couch looking so smug. She’d just communicated with Mark, her affair partner. But she hasn’t told me who or what.
  • 8:05 am – Heated discussion.  I tell her to pack her things. She says that “I didn’t sleep with him.”  (wasn’t true)
  • 9:00 am – By this time, the truth was out. I knew who it was. She told me. I knew some of the extent of their sexual interactions. I knew they’d had sex multiple times.
  • 9:30 am – I communicate with Mark via text. Since I know him personally I figure I should offer to tell his wife for him. You can read all of our texts from that morning here.
  • 10:00 am – Went to visit Carrie, Mark’s then wife. Told her about the affair her husband was having with my wife. She was understandably devastated. Shaken to the core.

Do you love your spouse?

First question. Do you love your spouse? I get that you may be feeling angry, dejected, isolated, heartbroken, trauma, depression and overwhelming sadness. I have felt all of those in the past 34 days. Yep, that’s how new my wife’s affair is. Just over a month ago, she was sleeping with another man. A married man who has four kids of his own.

So, let me ask you again? Do you love your spouse? Because right now, that’s all that matters. They are going through a range of confusion, emotions, fear, sadness, grief, and shame. But you love them.

Let me ask you this. What if you found out your spouse had a disease.  Perhaps it was cancer or MS. That disease probably would have symptoms. Well it is quite common that spouses who cheat have deeper issues than what they may be telling you right now.

You’re probably being blamed right now. The betraying spouse is telling you that it is something you did or didn’t do that caused them to stray. You pushed them into someone else’s arms and bed.  NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. They MUST say that to help them justify hurting you so badly. But none of those things are true. So right now, love them. And hang on.  I am writing as fast as I can.