Do you love your spouse?

First question. Do you love your spouse? I get that you may be feeling angry, dejected, isolated, heartbroken, trauma, depression and overwhelming sadness. I have felt all of those in the past 34 days. Yep, that’s how new my wife’s affair is. Just over a month ago, she was sleeping with another man. A married man who has four kids of his own.

So, let me ask you again? Do you love your spouse? Because right now, that’s all that matters. They are going through a range of confusion, emotions, fear, sadness, grief, and shame. But you love them.

Let me ask you this. What if you found out your spouse had a disease.  Perhaps it was cancer or MS. That disease probably would have symptoms. Well it is quite common that spouses who cheat have deeper issues than what they may be telling you right now.

You’re probably being blamed right now. The betraying spouse is telling you that it is something you did or didn’t do that caused them to stray. You pushed them into someone else’s arms and bed.  NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. They MUST say that to help them justify hurting you so badly. But none of those things are true. So right now, love them. And hang on.  I am writing as fast as I can.

Does my spouse love their affair partner?

This question comes up quite a bit and with good reason. Especially if your wife was the one who cheated. Many women, like my wife, have to believe that they love someone to have sex with them. Even in a fantasy like an affair, they allow their heart to “love” so that they can justify their sex with the other person.

Further, women give sex to get that emotional, feel-good feeling that they’re looking for from an affair.

Today, my wife opened up to me about her affair partner even more. 

I am very intuitive about my wife. We’ve been married for 18 years and no one knows her like I do. Since finding out about their affair, I have never heard her say a negative word about her Affair Partner (AP) named Mark.

I mean nothing. Now that we are over a month from “D-Day” I am starting to get more details. Her sorrow and shame is starting to grow as the reality of what she actually did is settling in. So during those moments, I am hearing more and more about her affair, her feelings and her attraction to this other man.

You see, before this affair, I was my wife’s one and only sex partner. She was a virgin when we got married. So, I know that this has to be deeply affecting her. Perhaps with other women, it isn’t such a big deal, but I know it is for her.

I asked her today if she was still grieving the relationship with Mark. Her answer, without hesitation, was “yes.” I will tell you below whether that bothers me or not. I also asked her if she wasn’t with me, would she want to be with him? She said that she would. She said it would be most convenient to be with him.  Keep in mind, he’s married with four children.

I say this to tell you that the deep fantasy in her mind may last much, much longer and I have to be prepared for that. In her mind, it would still be okay to be with this man — even though he has a family and a wife. She told me that she really had feelings for him.

Does this bother me? Right now, not really. I guess that when you’ve been through the most devastating news of your life, it is very difficult to be bothered by what was already true during the affair. Here are some simple truths behind women cheating on their husbands. Accept them because you really can’t change them or do anything about them.

  • She was attracted to him
  • She thought about sex with him LONG before having sex with him.
  • It didn’t just happen accidentally
  • She has “real” feelings for him which will last long after the affair. Heck, they may never go away.
  • She will always remember — most likely fondly — how he treated her and the time they shared together.
  • She already pictured a future with him even though it would mean giving you up.
  • She probably told him that she loves him.
  • She won’t feel sorrow for it all at once. This will come in increments over time.

What can you hold onto during this tumultuous time? 

I hold onto this fact. I KNOW who I am. I know that my decisions are based on values that I hold sacred. While the entire world goes crazy, doesn’t remain faithful, does stupid stuff, I will hold onto my integrity, my honesty and my ethics. I will NOT lose those, no matter what other people do — including my own wife.

Knowing WHO YOU are is so vitally important. I actually had a revelation the other day and had the happiest day since March 20, 2018. That revelation is that what she does or did wasn’t my choice, and I didn’t have any say in it. Thus, I will not and won’t feel any shame for her actions and behaviors. Those are hers and hers alone.

As her husband and best friend, I will be here for her. I will love her. And I forgive her. I may never trust her again and our marriage may or may not be reconciled. But I will offer those three things to her to help her heal from this. After 18 years of marriage and three children, she deserves that. Even though I didn’t deserve what she did to me.

Hold tight to your morals

Your morals, your character and your values are what you have. Those are things that you have direct control over. You do NOT have direct control over other people and their behaviors. So, in this time, hang on to what YOU have rather than worrying about what others have or don’t have.

Read this quote from Billy Graham. Leave the questions of your spouse to them for now until they’re ready to open up to you. Once they’re ready, they will talk. Let them. Don’t take it personally. Don’t get upset. Don’t get angry. Forgive them. Not for them, but for you. Bitterness will kill you.

The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.

~ Billy Graham