We are staying married

UPDATE:  I am filing for divorce this week.  After six months of thinking, praying, and clearing my head, I simply can’t take the pain of the affair(s).  Oh Yeah, when I wrote this, I wasn’t aware of the affair she had with her boss last year for several months. That really was the straw that broke my back.

Do I feel secure in my marriage? Nope.

Do I think that Allie will cheat again? Probably, if given the opportunity.

So why then am I staying married to her? Why put myself through that again? Great questions.

As you know, Allie had an affair with Mark which I discovered on March 20th, 2018. Since then, it has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I have wrestled with the question of staying with or leaving her. And what is best for our three sons. This was Allie’s 2nd affair.

Allie’s affair partner Mark is now divorced and Allie was at least a 50% cause of their marriage splitting up. I have a LOT to deal with mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  All of that being said, I am staying with Allie for now. Perhaps forever.

So the question is why? Why would I stay with someone who obviously doesn’t care about her commitment to me and/or her covenant with God? Why stay with someone who would treat me like absolute crap, rake me over the coals, tear out my heart and then try to make amends? Why stay with a homewrecker? Why give into her at all? Why not punish her by letting her be a single?

My answer is complex. I have loved her since the day I met her nearly 20 years ago. Allie wasn’t my type. She wasn’t the most attractive woman I had ever been with or ever met. Allie struggled with acne, even at 23 years old when I met her. Her mom wasn’t attractive, her family was quirky, and she came with a load of medical school debt from her physical therapy degree. But for some crazy reason, I loved her.

We have been through a MASSIVE amount of experiences together. We’ve lived overseas….twice. We’ve traveled the world. We’ve given birth to three sons in three different countries. We have done more than most couples I know.

She is the mother of my three sons. And it is well-documented that kids get screwed up by divorce. Sometimes for their entire lives.

Lastly, God. My faith in God convinces me that I should stay. Not for her, but for Him. Because she deserves divorce and struggle and pain, I won’t give it to her. God wouldn’t give it to me when I deserved it. When Paul was in prison for sharing faith in Jesus, he said that he has learned to become content in all circumstances. Then he goes before King Agrippa and states his case. He has done nothing wrong, yet he is punished.

I also haven’t done anything wrong in this affair. Quite the opposite. After the last affair, I changed. I became the man Allie said that she needed me to be so that we could avoid another affair. Then she had another affair. It crushed me.

Has everything changed? Yes. I will never see her the same or see our marriage the same. It’s not the same any more. Everything has changed. My views. My life. But I can still be content. I can still be satisfied in God with what He has for me though my life isn’t what I had hoped or planned.

Right now in Allie’s remorse, she is being very sweet and attentive. We had a great sex life before and that has not changed since her second affair. She is aware of me and my physical needs and she is being very apologetic. Could be empty words to avoid punishment. Could be true remorse. The only way to find out is to stick around.

If I divorce her, it would be final. But I think I would regret it for the rest of my life. I think that if I do it now, I wouldn’t know the end of the story. Imagine watching Star Wars and giving up on the heroes when it seems like all is lost. Imagine any story where the situation seems hopeless. Then, by the end, there’s a ray of sunshine. Hope.

Will I ever love her the same? Will I ever love her better? Will she become brand new? Will she make it into heaven? Is her soul lost?

I don’t know. But if I divorce her, I won’t ever know. Divorce ends the story. Our story. Sure, I could write another story with another woman, but honestly…..fuck that. Seems like a nightmare to me right now.

I have heard that 2-3 years after divorce, your head is clear and you can date again. You can be healthy. I think that 2-3 years after divorce, I would be wondering what would have happened if I had stuck with Allie. I can’t just unlove her, even when she does what she did.

Does it suck? Yes. But I am still hanging on. Still writing the story.

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